i had one of those "ah-ha" moments this weekend. "it was quite beautiful, really."
it was sunday morning, and i was at the light (a small church out in madison). jerome williams was leading singing that morning, which was great, but eventually, the singing was over, and andy blackston got up and started speaking. (he's the new varsity boys basketball coach @ MA. great guy.) so he starts talking about something..the gospel of luke maybe..? i honeslty wasn't really listening..but then he started talking about how at some point in your life you have to make your own decisions about jesus and church and how you're going to live and i started to listen. he said that with God, its all black and white, you either live for Him or you don't. there is no grey area. you either say yes to Him, or you say no. and then he said this: "its a choice everyone has to make. and by choosing to not make that decision, you are making your decision." He said that "even though people think they can ignore Jesus, everybody has to deal with this guy at some point in time."
and that was the moment. because when he said that, i realized that this year I came to that point. earlier this year i stared that decision right in the face. i had to decide what i was going to do about Jesus. and sadly, i didn't really make a choice. the problem was that i didn't want to make a choice. i wanted to be able to do anything i wanted to do. i thought i could ignore it. i basically decided that i would do whatever i wanted to do now, and then, later on in life, when I was older and more mature, i would make my choice and i would decide to say yes and then I could do devotionals and share my testimony about how i was an idiot in highschool but then i came back to Jesus and now I love him and am trying to live right and I would tell all those kids about how they should say yes to Jesus right now and save themselves the trouble of learning the hard way, even though I'll know they probably won't...
but what I didn't realize a few months ago when I decided all of those things, was that I was making my choice right then. I was saying no. I was trying to live in the so called "gray area" that doesn't really exist. And let me tell you, it wasn't working. It was exhausting. I was miserable, because it was during that "grey area" period that i made some really stupid decisions. I was able to justify doing just about anything i wanted to do by thinking that I had all the time in the world to change and clean up my act and come back to Jesus, and if i did that everything would be sunshine and daises all over again. But i was wrong. I was very wrong. Now I'm not saying that i went off the deep-end or anything, but i definitely made some bad decisions that i regret-the biggest of which would be thinking that I could "put God on hold."
so on sunday, I decided to quit running from God. I decided that I wanted to say yes, right then. and it was life God breathed life back into my viens. now, since then its not like i've been running around in a Jesus outfit throwing bibles at people and telling them to "reprent for the kingdom of heaven is near", or anything like that, its just that now I'm trying to put more effort into my relationship with God and doing whats right. its as simple as that. now, i could make a huge deal about this and go forward at church, claiming that i've completely "turned my life around" etc., but honestly, i don't think that i need to turn my life around. its not that big of deal. i just needed a little straightening out, thats all. and thats what I got..