life from the inside out

Ashley Miller

2012-01-30T23:05:00.002-06:00

For those of you that don't know, this is my dear friend, Ashley Miller.

Ashley and I have grown up together, and over the past 23 years, we have maintained a strong friendship. My first memory of Ashley is playing on the same t-ball team (Go Mets! Coached by none other than James Miller!), and playing Little Mermaid on the floor of her bedroom in the small white house on Gallatin Street. We then conquered (or survived I guess I should say) our awkward stages together as little youth group tag-a-longs, and then onto jr. high students where we wasted literally hours a day in her mom's classroom at school. Then eventually, she became cool in high-school, and I was still awkward, but somehow we were still friends. Over the years, we've shared family beach trips, road trips, Auburn games, dozens of Saturday Night Live episodes, and even one unfortunate visit to the principals office in 11th grade (haha). Ashley is one of those friends that I consider family, so needless to say, I was thrilled when she decided to move to from Auburn to Nashville after she graduated from college to be a nurse at Baptist hospital. And now, a little over year and a half later, I can say that it has been an absolute joy living in the same city as her again, and getting to share in things like watching Auburn games, running random errands, or meeting for dinner at the Local Taco. We don't talk or see each other every day, but when we do, we pick up right where we left off. But the best part is, over the past year and a half, I feel like I have truly seen Ashley grow up, despite the fact that I have practically spent the past 23 years of my life, physically growing up with her. When she arrived in Nashville two summers ago, she was different, and I think it's safe to say that God was beginning a work in her life then that He is now making a reality. Tomorrow, Ashley moves to Honduras, where she will serve as a missionary and a nurse, working alongside an organization called Mission UpReach. Making this decision to move to a third world country, leave all her friends, family, her job, and her material possessions, was no doubt unbelievably difficult for Ashley, and I think I can say, pretty shocking news to both her and her friends and family. But I love her story, because it is such a beautiful testimony to what God can do when someone truly gives Him control of their life. I heard Don Miller speak recently, about the kind of people that change the world, and he described them as being "completely over and done with themselves", and I love that so much because that is who Ashley has become and who she is choosing to be. She is done with herself, and she is now giving up the next two years of her life (at least) to serving God and serving others in Honduras.

So Ashley, thank you, for listening and responding to God's call even though it wasn't easy. Your selflessness and sacrificial heart are truly an inspiration to us all. You are, and always will be a constant reminder of what God can and will do in our lives if we truly turn things over to Him. I could not be prouder of you for the wonderful person you have become, and I am honored to call you a friend and a sister in Christ. You will be in our thoughts and prayers daily. We love you, very much! Now go, change the world!

(To stay posted on Ashley's adventures and ministry in Honduras, or if you're feeling generous and want to contribute to her cause, please click here ! )

thoughts on buying toilet paper, and the church

2012-01-18T23:40:00.001-06:00

When I was in third grade, I had this wonderful teacher named Mrs. Creel. She was a sweet older lady, and she was the best teacher I ever had, hands down. She was like a super-hero to me. I thought Mrs. Creel could do anything. But I'll never forget the moment that I realized that Mrs. Creel was a human, just like me. I was at Wal-Mart on Drake avenue, with my mom on a school night. My mom was shopping for toilet paper and I was bored, so I was sitting in the cart looking at the back of the cereal box. This was possible for me because at age 8, I was the same size as most 5 year olds. I was abnormally small, and to this day, I am not sure why. Anyway, my mom was taking forever buying toilet paper, so I started looking around, and all of the sudden I saw her: Mrs. Creel. Wearing BLUE JEANS. And the worst part is, she was buying toilet paper too. And suddenly, my little 8 year old world came crashing down, all because of this one realization: Mrs. Creel buys toilet paper, which means that Mrs. Creel uses the bathroom. It was the weirdest moment for me. Before this moment in time, I didn't know that teachers had to use the restroom. I suppose I thought they were like bottomless pits, never feeling the consequences of drinking too much chocolate milk or eating the whole bag of gummy worms. But all of the sudden, I knew that teachers were human, just like me. Later on, I realized that this is not only true for teachers, but that all adults use the restroom and are also human. This was also a rough day for little Maryanne.

I was thinking about this today, about how funny it is that we can spend so much time with people without realizing how much we have in common with each other. For me, that night in Wal-Mart was one of many moments to come in which I realized that there are so many things that connect us as human beings. It started with the fact that we all use toilet paper, or that that most people only wash their hands when someone else is in the restroom, but these things were only the beginning of my learning that we're all in this together, being human beings, and that we are all, to some extent, connected somehow.

Tonight, I had the privilege of hearing my very favorite author, Donald Miller, speak at Lipscomb. I began reading Don's books in high school, and I haven't stopped since. I love Don because of how honest and real he is. He doesn't say what he thinks we want to hear, he says what is true, he is real and authentic, and to a culture saturated by image and ego and facades, true and genuine people stand out, like a splash of color in a sea of grey. It stands out because it makes us realize that we are not alone, that there are other people like us. So much of our Christian culture, especially here in the south, is built upon the idea that our lives with God are "supposed" to be and look a certain way, which is one of the biggest ways I feel that we are failing each other, because when our lives don't look that way, we feel like we are doing something wrong, so instead of talking about it, we hide it. We smile and build walls around our personal lives, and only let people in so far, yet we fool ourselves into thinking that we know each other, that we have community with one other. It's like we're afraid of what might happen to the little world we've built if we realize and talk about the fact that the people around us use toilet paper too.

But what kind of community have we built for ourselves if we are more concerned with keeping up our perfect images than we are with helping each other through our struggles, our sin, and our shame? I'll tell you what kind of community..the kind that many people in the world today want no part of, and I for one don't blame them, because I don't want any part of that kind of community either. What amazes me about so many of our church communities is how close we can sit to one another on a pew, yet how far we are from the heart and soul of one another. And the worst part is, we know it. We look next to us and see a woman, and even though we know that her 16 yr old daughter is pregnant, we can't look her in the eyes and tell her that we love her, that we can't imagine the pain, but that will be there for her and stand by her no matter what. We see a sea of families in our churches, broken by the pain from addiction, divorce, sin, abuse, and greed but yet no one is willing to step out and admit it, admit that their life is messed up, admit that they feel alone, and so we don't feel connected at all. We won't let ourselves be woven together by our shared stuggles and experiences, because we won't talk about them, so instead we sit isolated and lifeless, together in the same room yet separate entirely, and we have the same meaningless conversations about football, week after week. And then we go home and wonder silently to ourselves, because we're too scared to ask anyone else, "Where is God?" when the truth is that God is in that lady who sat next to you that you would't talk to, the family behind you who is going through a divorce, God is in yourself, He is in your struggles, He is in your sin, and He is in theirs too, and He is doing a beautiful work, redeeming our stories one by one, one day at a time. But we're missing out on so much of the story if we never talk about it, if we keep settling for the ego-driven, shallow communities and bonds we have created for ourselves.

I for one am not afraid to say that life is hard, that I have made mistakes, and that sometimes I don't feel God at all. I am not afraid to say that at times in my life I have looked up at the sky wondered if God is real or if someone made this all up. I am not afraid to say that at times my life and my behavior have looked like anything but Jesus. I am not afraid to say this because I know that God is redeeming my story, one day at a time, and that my struggles and sin are a part of my journey towards becoming who He made me to be. I am not afraid for you to know that I use toilet paper, because I am not afraid of what will happen if we realize that we're the same, that in some way, we're all the same we are all connected. As a matter of fact, I welcome the idea. And I encourage you to find the kind of community that does as well.

why what I say matters

2011-11-12T16:30:00.000-06:00

I have been writing for years now, on and off since i was in about 8th grade. Fortunately, the way I write has changed a little bit since then, but my heart and my motives are still mostly the same. I write because I love it, first of all. It makes me feel alive. But I also write because I want for people who are struggling with life and faith to know that they are not alone, and I want to show them a different kind of "christian author", the kind that is real and genuine, that doesn't have it all together, and that is honest about the fact that they say curse words when they stub their toe or get pulled over. I have dreamed about writing as a career for years, but it has only been in the past year or so that I have begun to believe that maybe I really should write, and this is because I just recently realized that what I say matters.

The other day I was driving to work when I randomly got a text from my friend Jamie. She wanted to tell me that she had been planning on getting a tattoo for the past year, but couldn't come up with what to get to symbolize what she wanted until she read my last blog post. She said that my thoughts on change and the seasons had given her the idea that getting a leaf tattoo would be the perfect way for her to symbolize what she had learned in the past year about change, and about life, how beauty is born out of death. She said that my post had "inspired" her. My mind was blown. Me? Inspiring someone? I write a lot, but it's more for my own sake than for anyone else. I mostly keep a blog to have a record of things I've written, so that if I ever apply to write for a magazine or newspaper, I'll have a "portfolio" of sorts that I can show them. Or so that if I try to write a book, I'll have some material to pull from. But when Jamie told me that she had gotten something out of what I had written, I realized, that what I say matters. No, it may not matter to you, and sometimes it doesn't really even feel like it matters to me. But to someone, it matters. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but sometime, someone could get something out of what I say. It matters.

Shauna Niequist, who is currently tied with Don Miller for the title of my favorite Christian author, talks about this in her book, Bittersweet. She talks about art and creating, and people who create music, or write, or paint. She talks about a time when she made the mistake of asking the question "How many bands does the world need?" and how she regretted asking this question, b/c the thing about art is that it's not about market demand, it's not about what the world "needs". She said instead that "..it's more like a million voices all yelling out one word over and over, and every once in a while the sound makes the whole sit up straight and pay attention for a split second." And what she said that really grabbed my attention was this: "The general world population will survive without one more stage production and one more gallery showing. This is the thing though: you might not. We create because we were made to create, having been made in the image of God, whose fire role was Creator."

I love that, and I think it is true. The world will keep spinning if we quit creating what we love. People will keep waking up and going to work, and coming home at the end of the day to their spouses or wives or roommates or dogs. Most people will survive if you or I don't create, but someone may not. And most importantly, we ourselves may not. If you, like me, have been given a creative passion, then you need to create. You need to so that you'll feel alive, and you need to because people that do what they are passionate about are the people that end up changing the world, and we need more of them. And that is why what I say, and what you do, matters. Shauna ends the chapter by saying: "Get up. Create like you're training for a marathon, methodically, day by day. Learn your tricks, find a friend, leave the dirty dishes in the sink for a while. This is your chance to become what you believe deep in the secret heart you might be. You are an artist, a guide, a prophet. You are a story teller, a visionary, the Pied Piper himself. Do the work, learn the skills, and make art, because of what the act of creation will create in you."

So i'm going to keep writing, now with a motivation and passion that I haven't had before. Because now I know that what I say, matters.

change

2011-11-05T21:45:00.004-05:00

I hate change. This is a fact. And not only do i hate it..I fight it, run from it, and at times, I've even tried to sleep through it. Basically, I avoid it at all costs. This undoubtedly explains why the last year of my life has been the most difficult yet, because what it consisted of, almost more than anything else (besides weddings), was change.

It all began almost exactly a year ago, when I changed the plan for my life. Well, I guess really what I should really say, is that for the first time in my life, I made plan for the rest of my life, and this in itself was traumatizing and scary for me. I don't really do "plans", but apparently at a certain point in life, you have to start making them. So, half way through my senior year of college, I decided I wanted to finally pursue my dream of being a Child Life Specialist. I couldn't have picked a more terrible time to do this, because your senior year of college is filled with enough change as it is, even if you just stick to the plan you already have. But changing my career plan, in the midst of everything else going on, really threw things off. This meant an extra semester of school (after all of my best friends graduate), different classes, different goals, new responsibilities and new extra-cirrcular activities, as well as a whole new set of hoops to jump through to become nationally certified. On top of that, the seasons of life were changing. College was drawing to a close, and we were growing up, whether we liked it or not. Talks that had once been about cute boys in our bible class had been replaced by flipping through bridal magazines and picking out engagement rings. Conversations about which majors to chose and which classes to take turned into discussions about careers, salaries, and insurance benefits. The days of midnight trips to waffle house, late night snacks of pizza rolls, and spending 3 days straight in our pj's watching Friends or Grey's Anatomy in our apartment were over, and replaced with a new routine of waking up at 7am for class or work, showering on a daily basis, drinking coffee in the morning, and being in bed by 10pm. And worst of all, my tightly-knit group of friends began to realize that jobs or marriages, in less than a year, may take us away from each other. I handled this news about as well as Charlie Sheen handled being fired from Two and a Half Men. Ok..so maybe that's an exaggeration, but lets just say that during this time, I wasn't exactly "winning" in life. I went from having cried once, maybe twice in the past 3-4 years, to crying once or twice a week, or maybe even a day on a bad day. Everything that I had considered solid or consistent seemed to be fading, and fast. Being with people or in places that had seemed safe and familiar to me all of the sudden seemed difficult, like trying to walk through quick sand, and I was having really tough time finding my footing. The element of security that comes from the college attitude that "these are the best days of our lives", was gone. Things would change, and in fact, they had already begun to do so, despite my efforts to prevent it.

And that was only the beginning. Here I sit a year later, and change still seems to be the unescapable theme of my life. My plans for being a Child Life Specialist came to an abrupt end about 3 weeks ago when I didn't get an internship, meaning I couldn't jump through one of those required hoops. I could have decided to re-apply next semester, but instead I decided to pursue something else. This was a tough blow, to say the least, but friends and family helped me see it as an opportunity for me to grow. And I did grow. I got my act together and started looking for other jobs, and fortunately, I found one! Also, in the past 6 months, four of my very best friends have gotten married, which I am ashamed to say, is something I had previously been dreading for years. Not because I don't want them to be happy, but because it involved change. But I made it. And not only did I make it, I LOVED it. I can honestly say that each of those days were extremely beautiful and joyful in their own unique ways, and made for four of the happiest days of my life. All of this to say, I'm beginning to not hate change quite so much. In fact, I think it may even be a good thing.

This new attitude of mine all started a few weeks ago when my friend Tanna was visiting from Texas, just as the leaves were starting to..you guessed it: change. For those of us that grew up here in the south, autumn is awesome, but we're kind of used to the colors of the leaves and the beautiful weather. Tanna, however is not used to this. Texas is dry and arid, and apparently there, the leaves just dry up and fall off, because it never rains. She was absolutely shocked by how beautiful the leaves were. Every time we got in the car to go somewhere, she was in awe of the colors of the leaves, and right before she left, she even made me take a walk around the block with her, just so she could take pictures of the tress and the leaves. And even through I spent most of it rolling my eyes, deep down it made me realize how beautiful fall really is. And ever since she left, I've been so much more thankful and appreciative of the beauty of fall. I have even stopped myself to take in the beauty of it all, the colors of the leaves and the cool crisp air. And I got to thinking about it, and I think maybe the changing of the seasons is God's way of telling us that change is good. And everything that I've learned in the past year seems to prove that this is true as well. The leaves changing means that something better is coming, and through nature dying and being reborn with the changes of the seasons year after year, life is able to happen and thrive in the world. And I think we would all benefit from viewing the changes in the seasons of our lives in this way, that they represent an opportunity for growth, and that perhaps something better is awaiting us in the next season. So if you're experiencing a season of change in your life, don't give up. Just think about it this way: the leaves have to fall off before they can grow back and be beautiful again.

good advice

2011-10-30T11:58:00.001-05:00

here is some good advice from my good friend Tanna, that I thought we could all use to hear:

"Well, I just had a big revelation about my life. I wake up everyday expecting this world to make me happy, and the things I buy and make and money in my account and winning the world series and baking. I wake up everyday feeling like this world owes me something, but the truth is I have completely lost God altogether. I have to want to do things for HIM and I have to believe in him and talk to him, and all of my wildest dreams may or may not come true. But I will be happy and at peace with who I am and whose I am. Great things in my life have happened, but only when I gave Him my everything...and I'm definitely not even close. Who am i really if the first time in my life that I'm not forced to do anything Christian I completely stop doing everything? It's going to be hard to build my own faith and my own trust in Him but I want to start today. That's the only way up I can see."

2011-10-27T20:40:00.004-05:00

My latest craft project: sanding old barn wood and using it to make these rustic signs with paint and stencils. I made this one for our house for thanksgiving!

Happy fall from my roommates and I at 1600 shackleford!

things I don't do

2011-10-17T14:23:00.001-05:00

Shauna Niequist, who is one of my very favorite authors, wrote a book called Bittersweet, which is a collection of wonderfully descriptive and real essays about life and all the good, the bad and the ugly things that come with it. One of the chapters is entitled "Things I Don't Do", and Shauna talks about the drive she felt in her late twenties to "do everything better." She talks about how destructive this way of thinking was for her, and says that what matters most is not what we do, but what we are willing to give up to make the thing that we do happen better. She made a list of these things, the things she doesn't do, not to be negative, but to admit and learn to be ok with them, and after reading this chapter, I made a list too. Here it is:

I don't shower every day. I am in fact probably the furthest girl from "diva" status that you can find. However, you can find me, 5 out of 7 days of the week, in nike shorts and t-shirts. I have cute clothes, but I don't spend a lot of time every day picking out and putting together cute outfits. That's just not high-up on my list of priorities. Some people criticize me for this, and say that I'm never going to meet someone and get married if I don't put more into what I wear, but I prefer for the people in my life to love me for who I am, not what I look like.

I don't care a lot about money. I realize that this is probably because I don't have any money right now, but even when I do, it's not something that I really care about. I'm terrible at keeping up with it, and when I look at jobs, salary is near the last thing I look at. I know that money is necessary, but as long as I can eat, the bills are paid, and my gas tank isn't on empty, I'm ok. I know one day, money will be something that I have to care about, for my families sake, but until that day comes, having a lot of money is not going to be something that burdens me.

I don't decorate. My roommate Kaitlynn is a master decorator and designer, and while I admire that about her and love what she's done with our past apartments and our current house, I personally am ok with admitting that I have contributed nothing more than one throw pillow to the interior of our house and probably won't contribute anything else for the entire time we live here.

I don't drink water. I'm working on this a little bit, but as a general rule, unless I am exercising, brushing my teeth, or taking medicine I don't drink it, unless sweet tea is the only other option. I just think that there are other ways to hydrate that actually taste.

I don't do mornings. In fact, I avoid them at all costs. Here it is, at 2pm, and i'm still drinking my morning coffee in my pajamas. I love sleeping in, and I always will. I'll admit, that if i have to get up early, I can usually end up seeing the value in it, but I don't chose to be up early it unless I have to.

I don't think everything happens for a reason. I think that God can give a reason and purpose to everything that happens, which is one of the reasons that I love Him so much, but I don't think that every little thing that happens on this earth happens for a divine purpose. I realize that viewing things this way gives some people hope, and if that's you, that's ok with me. I just don't share in this thought.

I don't paint my fingernails. Toenails? Different story. But for some reason I just don't like painted fingernails. I think it's because it's nearly impossible to live a normal life and keep your fingernail paint from chipping, and i'm a perfectionist, so that won't happen.

I don't argue. I hate it in fact. My friend Louisa used to hate this about me, because whenever an argument would arise between us, I would just give up and say "you're right". That just drove her crazy, but as long as it wasn't something that really mattered, I was always ok with giving in, as long as it meant the argument would stop. I do stand up for what I believe in, but I just don't let things turn into heated, angry, discussions. I know there is a time and place for arguments, but I don't usually find myself at those times and places.

I don't think that I am superior to anyone. It doesn't matter to me if you are 6 years old or 96, black, white, purple, blue, educated, non-educated, Christian, Jewish,, Muslim, or Atheist, tall or short, rich or poor. If God made you, you are valuable. Period. And I personally will not treat you otherwise.

I don't carry a purse on a regular basis. Sure, i have a few purses, but I usually stick to keys and my phone, and if i'm going to need to spend money, I'll carry my wallet.

there are many other things that i don't do, but that's the list for now. the list of things that I do may be posted soon also.

happy monday, folks.

2011-10-12T22:53:00.001-05:00

Today I came across this photo that I took last year in New York. Irony? I think not..

what's next?

2011-10-11T21:29:00.002-05:00

Well, I didn't get an internship.

But I did my best. I gave it everything I had, and yes, I am disappointed, but there's nothing else I can do. About a month ago, I sent out 13 applications to children's hospitals all over the country to be an intern in their Child Life department. An internship is a national requirement to be a Child Life Specialist, and a great experience for students hoping to pursue a job in this field. But I quickly found out, that it is also VERY competitive, and very hard to get one. I got a lot of rejection letters, but I also got 3 interviews. I was new to the phone interview, but I got better with time. The first one, with Kansas City, was rough, I'll admit it. Birmingham, was next, and I thought I did a little better, b/c I was a little bit more prepared. Last came New York, and I felt the best about this one. But all of these hospitals had a ton of applicants, and I guess which they felt that they had others who were better suited for their program. And while even writing that stings a little bit, it's ok.

This is a learning experience, and I can truly say that I have learned so much. If nothing else, I learned. I learned how hard this process is, how much work it takes, and how competitive this field is. But more importantly, I learned, once again, how blessed I am to have the prayers and support of so many wonderful people backing me constantly. And I just wanted to say thank you, to all of you who have been praying for me throughout this process, and asking me how things are going. It means to much to me, so much more than I can tell you.

So, whats next? I don't know, honestly. First of all, I'm GRADUATING! This December. Finally. But after that, I have a lot of options. Unfortunately, to be a child life specialist, you have to have an internship. So, if I decide to stick with this, I can re-apply for an internship in either the summer or next fall. I can also go to grad school for child life, but there are a limited number of programs in the country. I can also go to grad school for something else, like counseling. But I'll need to get some kind of job this spring while I figure everything else out. Good news is, I get to stay in my WONDERFUL house, with my AMAZING roommates that I love so much, in the room that I just re-decorated and am slightly obsessed with. I have the most wonderful community here from Lipscomb, and from Ethos, my church, and I am excited about getting to stay here and be blessed by the wonderful people God has put in my life. Now, if I could only find a job.. :) keep praying if you don't mind, because while I trust that God has something in store for me, right now my future looks like a big question mark. And that's a little bit scary.

Love you all and thanks again for the prayers.

believe

2011-10-05T23:31:00.000-05:00

I think what really sold me on Jesus was the way that He believes in people.

I know this sounds awful, but it wasn't one of these "love at first sight" type of stories for me with Him. Some people, usually middle aged women, can describe their relationships with God as the most beautiful love story, and while i think that is really neat and all, when they do this, I usually half listen while the other half of me is trying not to roll my eyes and curse under my breath. I believe them when they say these things, don't get me wrong, but so far very little of my walk with Jesus has resembled "The Notebook", aside from the fact that I know Jesus loves me way more than he should and thinks I'm beautiful.

Somewhere along the way in my upbringing in a southern Church of Christ, I adopted this idea that the minute you're baptized, you and Jesus go walking hand in hand towards the sunset and live happily ever after. And for some people, maybe it is that way. If so, congratulations. But it wasn't for me. It took some time for me to really love and believe in Him. I know it sounds terrible, but I'm completely willing to admit that it's my own fault. If you want to know the truth, I can be a real punk sometimes, especially when it comes to things i'm "supposed" to do. For me, believing in God was just another one of those things. I wrestled against it ignorantly for a while, which I justified it by saying I was "trying to find my own faith". Really, I was questioning whether or not I could suck up my pride and do what I was expected to do. It wasn't as much an issue I had with God as it was an issue with myself.

But luckily, God knew I was kind of a punk, and He didn't just leave me there. He taught me a lesson through the circumstances in my own life, because that's usually the only way I learn. I started to see that I have been blessed with an overwhelmingly large amount of people in my life that believe in me. Most people get a few of these folks, I reckon, but I mean i've got like an entire team of them. I'm not bragging, either b/c trust me, this can get quite annoying at times. These people never let me settle, never let me quit, sometimes they won't let me sleep past noon. It can be kind of a pain for a college kid such as myself. But at the end of the day, its a blessing. It is an unbelievable blessing to be able to look over the course of my life and see so many people who have invested time into helping me become who God made me to be. I mean, I love these people. And I would do anything for them, because really, I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for them. And that's why they're my favorite people, honestly. These are the kind of folks I'm drawn to. And not just people that believe in me, I mean that would make me a pretty big narcissist, right? I'm talking about people that believe in people. People that see potential, no matter what the circumstances are, people that seek change and redemption in the lives of others. I love these people, and I love seeing them in action. It's inspirational, and not in a cheesy olympic music video kind of way. In the kind of way that wakes something up inside me, and makes me want to be that kind of person myself.

In my last post, I mentioned that I've recently come to love the TV show "Friday Night Lights". And I was thinking about this last night, trying to figure out what it is about this show that keeps me watching episode after episode until 3am. And I realized that what I love about this show is the fact that everybody gets a chance. No matter who they are, where they come from, what they've done, everybody gets a chance. Everybody finds someone who believes in them, who takes them in, who gives them a chance to be somebody different, somebody good. And they all usually end up giving someone else a chance too. I love that.

And I think its this same thing that really sold me on Jesus. He's got a lot of other really great qualities too, don't get me wrong. But i love the way He believed in people. The gospels are full of story after story of Jesus seeing potential in people, believing in them, helping them become who they were made to be, just like all the characters in Friday Night Lights, just like all the people in my life that have helped me. Jesus sees past circumstances, past barriers, past sin and shame, and gives everyone a chance. And not just that, but He truly believes in who they can become, even though he knows EVERYTHING about them. It doesn't matter. He knows the difference it can make and the impact people can have when they feel loved, and feel like they matter. And so He gave people that gift, of feeling loved, feeling valuable, feeling like they have a chance in this world. He not only gave it while He was still on earth, but He is still giving it now.

The creator of heaven and earth believes in you and I, in who we are, and in who we can become. Now if that doesn't make a difference in your life, I'm not sure what will.

what i want

2011-09-06T22:20:00.000-05:00

well folks, i'm sucked in.
consider this my official surrender, NBC's "Friday Night Lights" has won me over. i tried to fight it, but its just too good. oh well. anyway, i have been watching the show on DVD pretty consistently for the past two or three months, but i think the moment that won me over is the second to last episode of season 3, entitled "Underdogs". The Dillion Panthers are in the state championship game again, and Tyra Collette, one of the shows main characters, is trying against all odds to get into the University of Texas. On the way to the big game, she and her friend Landry are working on her application essay, and after reading it aloud, Landry tells her that what she's got so far sucks. So Tyra begins this rant at Landry about her life, saying that "I could write about the fact that my dad's not around, my moms and alcoholic, my sister is a stripper, and that two years ago I had enough hate in my heart to start a frickin car". Then comes one of my favorite quotes. Landry asks her what changed, to take away that hate, and she replies that Jason Street (former all-star QB of the panthers football team) got paralyzed. She said she was so shocked by this, because he was such a good guy, he was like a hero. But she learned a valuable lesson from this. She says:

"I realized that life isn't fair for anybody. Not just for me."

I love this. Which is odd, because its one of those things that stings a little, like when mom starts pouring the stuff in the brown bottle onto your scraped knee, or like a sermon about cursing when you were 13 (you know what i'm talking about...). But sometimes i think the things that hurt the most are the things that reveal in us greatest truths about ourselves. This was one of those things..the minute she said it, I knew that I needed to hear it. I can't tell you how many times I've made excuses in my life, just so I can keep living comfortably, so I don't have to try any harder, so I can hold onto control of my life. "It's not fair that i'm not smart and everybody else makes better grades" or "I can't do this because i'm dealing with this or that and its not fair". But you know, I think Tyra's right. And the sooner we realize that everyone else's lives are also difficult, hard, and not fair, the better off we'll be.

Tyra and Landry continue to work on her essay, and at the end of the episode, she reads it aloud. She says:

"Two years ago, I was afraid of wanting anything.
I figured wanting would lead to trying and trying would lead to failure.
But now I find I can't stop wanting.
I want to fly somewhere on first class.
I want to travel to Europe on a business trip.
I want to get invited to the White House.
I want to learn about the world.
I want to surprise myself.
I want to be important.
I want to be the best person I can be.
I want to define myself instead of having others define me.
I want to win and have people be happy for me.
I want to lose and get over it.
I want to not be afraid of the unknown.
I want to grow up and be generous and big-hearted, the way people have been with me.
I want an interesting and surprising life.
It's not that I think I'm going to get all these things.
I just want the possibility of getting them."

These words stuck with me, again, because of how true they are for me. I have to be honest..I started off college picking the easiest major I could because I didn't believe I was smart enough for the kind of classes other majors required me to take. Just like Tyra, I was afraid of wanting anything, but most of all, I was afraid of failing. I was afraid to try because I didn't know what would happen after that. So I didn't. But thankfully, I've learned a little over the years, mostly thanks to a lot of people that have believed in me, pushed me, encouraged me, and straight-up dragged my butt out of bed some days. Thanks to them, and a little life experience, I am now chasing my dream. And you know what? I'm not failing. Now, it is difficult, and I'm finding that a lot more is required of me than ever before, but it's worth it. Because I'm working towards the kind of life I've always dreamed of.

Now I just have one question.. are you?

ps..
to all of you who have been generous and big-hearted to me:
thank you.
i owe you, big time.

don't settle

2011-08-24T22:38:00.000-05:00

an exerpt from Steve Jobs 2005 commencement speech at Stanford University:

"Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle. Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

Read more: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424053111903596904576520690515394766.html#ixzz1W0ZIvjt2

why I want to write a book..

2011-07-05T21:02:00.000-05:00

In certain moments, I get to thinking about what Jesus would think of me, you know, whether He would like me or not. Usually it's when i'm doing something dumb, or when i'm alone for extended periods of time. Or when i'm at Waffle House. I've always thought Jesus and I would have the best conversations over a plate of hash browns, scattered, covered, and chunked. Or maybe He'd order them all-the-way..you never know with Jesus. But if you really want to know the truth, most of the time I have to be in pretty deep moods to think about Jesus at all. I'm not one of those people that just walks around thinking about Him all day. I wish I was, but i'm not, and there is no sense in lying about it. I think about Him when I see sunsets, especially when the sun shines through the trees. I think about Him at funerals and weddings, and I think about Him at night usually, especially when i'm outside and I can see the stars. Sometimes I think about Him at church, but a lot of times my mind wanders. Its better now, because I really like the church that I go to now. My pastor Dave tells funny stories and talks about Jesus in a way that makes me think they are best friends, like He's just one of the guys. Dave usually always says things that make me think about Jesus. But at other churches I've been to, I spent very little time thinking about Him. In the church services, my mind would wander to ladies hats, lunch, and watching people, and then at bible class I was too hyped up on the free doughnuts and soda to think about anything for longer than 3 seconds at a time. In elementary school, the teachers gave us worksheets and used flannel boards to tell us stories. And they usually bribed us into paying attention by rewarding us when we were good with animal crackers or goldfish. That worked for a little while, but as i got older, it got less and less effective.

I read this book one time, called Blue Like Jazz. In this book, Donald Miller says that Jesus is relational, and that knowing him and having a relationship with Him can't be simplified into formulas or bullet points. I believe this to be true as well, because the times I've felt God the most have been the times I'm with people, talking to them, and building relationships with them, not the times I've sat in church and filled in the sermon note blanks on the back of my bulletin. The way I see it, we probably shouldn't have to give out those little cheat sheets to keep adults engaged during sermons and to remind them of what we talked about in church this week. I know that in doing this pastors mean well and all, but i'm just saying, it seems kind of lame to me because that's what Mrs. Reeves did with us when I was in kindergarden. Anyway, this idea about Jesus being relational was bittersweet to me. I like it, because I am very much relational, and it would be easier for me if Jesus was too, but on the other hand, it pains me to think about how much time we (and I include myself in this) have wasted trying to use methods and formulas to get to God.

If you read the gospels, the books in the bible that talk the most about Jesus's life, you don't see anything about formulas or bulletins with fill-in blanks on the back. You see Jesus with his best friends traveling around the world, loving and talking to people, hanging out with the rough crowds, healing people and making them whole again. I like this Jesus, the one of the bible, the one that’s always doing things backwards. I think he probably hung out with messy folks like myself. I say all of this to come back to what I started off talking about-what Jesus would think of me. I never felt like the formula, bullet-point, fill-in-the-blank Jesus would like me very much, because I'm bad at bullet points and I can never remember them all or what order I need to do those things in order to become a better Christian. I always end up missing a few blanks, and then i'm completely lost when it comes using that to remember "How to Effectively Share Jesus with Your Friends" or "5 Steps to a Better Relationship with God". But from what i've read in the bible, I think that this Jesus, the real Jesus, would like me, very much in fact. That sounds like a really simple concept, to realize that Jesus likes me, but learning this was monumental for me. Once I realized this, I wanted to tell everyone. I want everyone to know this so they can stop feeling guilty if they miss the blanks on their bulletins.

I’m pretty serious about writing a book. It has always been a dream of mine, and lately i've been thinking about it more and more.

And this is why, to tell people things like this. I love writing and I want to help people know that Jesus likes them, and is closer than they think. I want to help people experience the love of Jesus in their day-to-day lives without bullet points and fill-in-the-blanks. I want to think about Jesus more, and I want to help other people do that as well. I have spent so much of my time trying to work God into a formula, and it never worked. What worked was talking to God, spending time with Him, trying to build a relationship with Him just like i would one of my friends here. I know that theology and doctrine, theories and fill-in-the-blank sermon notes have probably done a lot of people a lot of good, and I am glad. But i know also that those things have left a lot of people feeling empty handed, and I want those people to know that they are not alone.

So be on the lookout..maybe one of these days you'll see my name on the shelf at the bookstore. Maybe..

whisper

2011-07-04T12:43:00.000-05:00

1 Kings 19:12-13
"Then Elijah was told, 'Go, stand on the mountain at attention before God. God will pass by.' A hurricane wind ripped through the mountains and shattered the rocks before God, but God wasn't found in the wind; after the wind an earthquake, but God wasn't in the earthquake; and after the earthquake fire, but God wasn't in the fire; and after the fire came a gentle and quiet whisper."

Sometimes God isn't where we expect Him to be. Sometimes we find Him in the most unlikely of places. I personally am a fan of the fact that though God is consistently present, He can be spontaneous, and He is never predictable. It makes me feel like maybe we do have a few things in common afterall...

So if you, like I do so often, find yourself looking for the Lord but not finding Him, and wish that He would show up and yell at you some instruction, some feedback, or just anything at all, try listening instead for the gentle whisper.

why talking to God is always better..

2011-06-30T00:24:00.003-05:00

I was feeling pretty thoughtful last night, so I drove out to my friend Jenny's house. I told her it was because I had something to bring her, which is true, but mostly it is because I felt like talking. Jenny is 30 years old, and she is very good at life, which makes her wise, and a very good person to talk to. She is way too cool for me, but she likes me for some reason, and I feel very lucky to have her as a friend. Anyway, we sat last night for about an hour or so on her back porch, looking up at the stars, talking and thinking about life. And on my way home from her house I was thinking about our talk, and about why I like talking to Jenny so much, and I realized it is because she is a good listener. She is probably the best listener i know. When we talk, I know that she hears what I'm saying, and that she is taking it all in, but she doesn't always rush to reply or give me advice. Sometimes she asks questions, sometimes she changes the subject completely, but oftentimes she doesn't say anything at all. I hated this about Jenny at first, if you want to know the truth. I hated it because I could never tell what she thought about what I was saying, and I am the kind of person that cares a lot about what you think about me and what i say. Too much, in fact. But over time I have come to really appreciate and admire this quality in Jenny. She doesn't talk just to hear herself talk, like most people do, but she choses her words very carefully, and she gives you time to think. And because of this, I think more about what I say as well, and I always feel like I've learned something new about myself when I leave a conversation with her.

So anyway, last night on my drive home from her house, I was thinking about all of this, and I was also thinking about faith and God, and about how my biggest struggle with God is that He is not tangible, that I can not see Him, that He can't answer me when I talk to him. I have a hard time with prayer because to be honest, sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself. I know that God exists, and I believe in Him very much, but the whole prayer thing has always been a struggle for me. I used to pray in my car, but I've seen The Truman Show one too many times, and as a result I have this thing where I think everyone is watching me when I'm driving. I realize that sounds incredibly narcissistic, but its true. So I used to drive along in my car and pray out loud, but then when I pulled up at a light, I always felt really awkward, because I thought the person next to me would think I was some kind of weirdo, talking to myself in my car. Needless to say, I stopped doing this, and as a result I found myself praying a lot less. That's not the only reason I prayed less, I'm not that shallow. But somewhere along the way, I got out of the habit of praying, and it didn't bother me nearly as much as it should, and I think the real reason for this is because I can't see or hear God.

Anyway, last night when I was thinking about prayer and why I struggle with it, I started thinking about Jenny, and about how a conversation with her is not unlike having a conversation with God, because a lot of times there isn't a response. And that bothers me. Well, it used to at least. But last night I realized that God not responding is one of the things that makes prayer beautiful. For one thing, it helps us develop faith. Hebrews 11:1 says that faith is the proof of what we can't see, and I can't think of a better way to develop it than prayer. Another thing that I learned is that there is value in speaking our thoughts aloud, not only because of what God will do with them (which is of enough value in and of itself), but because it helps us to process and think as well. Alot of times when I talk to Jenny I realize that I find the answers to my problems just in saying my thoughts out loud. And while I believe that through prayer God works and creates solutions for us, I also think that, in addition to being a request, prayer is also therapeutic, and that there is a lot to be gained from simply talking to God, from telling the maker of the universe, someone so much bigger than we are, our thoughts and struggles and concerns and problems. Not only does sharing things with God strengthen our relationship with Him, just like sharing with friends strengthens our relationship with them, but it also allows us to surrender control of the things were holding on to, which is crucial if we expect to see God doing things in our lives. Through prayer, we are able to give God room to work in our lives, which he almost always does, and that is why it is so important to pray. And that is also why talking to God is better than talking to Jenny, or whoever you like talking to. Because even though may not answer with words, He can do "immeasurably more than all we could ask or imagine", and that's a whole lot more than any of our friends, as much as we may love them, can do. So I have found myself talking to God a lot more today, even at stoplights, despite the glances of the people in the car next to me. Besides, they probably think i'm talking on a Bluetooth anyway...

uprooted

2011-06-05T03:03:00.003-05:00

I came across this tree yesterday (image below). i've been doing some fishing the past few days (or trying to anyway), down at the lake near when i'm living right now. the first time i walked down to the water, i was immediately drawn to this tree, which i found odd, because i don't typically find myself interested in uprooted trees. i think its because there is something about this tree that resonates with where i am in life right now. uprooted seems like the perfect way to describe the transition from college into adulthood. everything we know has been taken out from under us, and we find ourselves in a new place, exposed to the world in a different way than ever before. to some, it may appear that we have nothing to offer, but regardless of what we are told, we keep pursuing, keep dreaming, keep searching. we know deep down that there is beauty to be found in us, and we are only seeking to find the right outlet in which to share it. and so it is in this transition place that i find myself right now, like a tree thats lost its roots, looking for a new place to be planted.

2011-06-01T22:31:00.001-05:00

The unknown with God is always better than the known without Him.

Jesus

2011-05-11T16:12:00.000-05:00

"Maybe we dont live for Christ because we don't live like Christ." -Lisa Samson, Quaker Summer

the puzzle

2011-05-10T11:37:00.000-05:00

"See, right now I'm living in a puzzle, the box lid having just been taken off, and I stare down onto the pieces, some clear, some hidden, and they work together somehow, but I'm just looking at them, smelling the woody pulp and wondering, all the while knowing its destined to do so, how in the world ill make it all fit together and look like something real. Even the box lid sports no picture to guide me." -Lisa Samson, from Quaker Summer

2011-04-26T10:04:00.001-05:00

"So much of life, it seems, is about having the courage to ask your own questions instead of going with the script." -Shauna Niequist

2010-12-08T00:47:00.000-06:00

I have kept this blog for about 5 years now, off and on. I keep up with it about as consistently as i keep up with anything, which sadly is not very much at all. Sometimes I write a lot, sometimes nothing for several months. Thats kind of the way i am. I'm not the most consistent person, you know. But it is neat that i've written enough that i am able to look back over a span of 5 years and see where i've been. I think i can say that I am not who I thought i would be 5 years ago, in both good and bad ways. I kind of used to think that somewhere along the line in college, i'd turn into one of those people that "has it together". You know, "that" girl who does everything right and is like drop dead gorgeous and on fire for God and makes straight-a's and has a super hott fiance who is going to be a doctor? I don't know how or when i thought that this miraculous change would take place, but i just thought it would. But to be honest, it hasn't really. I'm still very much the same person that I was. That's not saying that I haven't grown, because I have so much, but i'm just not "that" girl, and a lot of the things i thought would happen haven't. Like for example, I thought i'd be graduating 6 months from now, and i'm not. I thought i'd probably become a missionary in some cool country after i graduated, but i'm not. I kind of thought i'd get smarter too, but i haven't really, I've just learned to work harder. I still suck at math and i still hate brushing my teeth. And i really thought i'd stop drinking mountain dew every single day, but we all know that hasn't changed. But i also didn't think i'd be living with 7 incredible women of God for 2 years in a row in this wonderful apartment. I didn't think i would have gotten to spend summers serving alongside incredible people in Australia or New York. I didn't think i'd be a part of a church I love more than anything. I didn't think i'd be president of a club of 70 amazing girls on this campus. I didn't think i'd learn to enjoy eating salad or how to use a skillet, but i have. I even occasionally drink water now too. And i really had no idea that God would bring such incredible people into my life like the ones that i'm surrounded with every single day.
I guess what i'm saying is, i can look back over the past five years, and despite how i have changed, or how i haven't changed, I can see God, every step of the way. He has been there in the best of times and in the worst. And it doesn't matter that i'm inconsistent and kind of a mess sometimes. I don't write on a blog or journal every day, and I don't get up at 5am and exercise and eat oatmeal and read my bible. I'm not "that" girl. I'm not engaged to a hott pre-med student, and I can't cook hardly anything. I'm an inconsistent person. But thats ok. The thing about God is, He is the same for me and for the crazy person who will be running and praying in 5 hours. He listens to my 2 second prayers on my way to class just the same as He listens to "that" girls prayers at 6am every morning. He is changing me and teaching me to grow despite my flaws and the mistakes i've made, and what's even more than that, He's using them for good in my life and in others.

Dave Clayton on the Holy Spirit

2010-09-14T14:58:00.000-05:00

a quote from Dave Clayton, last Sunday night at Ethos...

"I think there's a lot of us, who have gone to great lengths at every opportunity to make sure that we never find ourselves in a position in which it requires the Lord to lift the weight off our chest. I think a lot of us have gone to extreme measures to make sure that at all costs, you only do things that you can do on your own. B/c theres just something scary, there's something kind of intense about putting yourself in a place where if the Lord doesn't show up, nothing will happen.

..and yet something, is missing."

complete.

2010-09-09T13:07:00.000-05:00

I came across John 5 recently, and have been really trying pull apart this story for all its worth. I wonder what would happen if I did that with everything I read in the bible...

John 5:1-9
"Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews. Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?" "Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me." Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.

Such a simple story, but I believe it has such huge implications for our lives. Several thoughts, and i'm no bible scholar, nor do I claim to be, this is just what stuck out to me from this story.

First and foremost is Jesus' question in verse 6: Do you want to get well? It seems obvious that a man who had been an invalid for 38 years would say yes to this question. But he doesn't. He goes into why he hasn't been healed already. Initially, i have to admit, I thought this guy was an idiot. I mean here he is, lame for 40 years, lying at this pool day after day and never being healed, and then walks Jesus and asks if he wants to be healed, if he wants to live, and the dude essentially starts making excuses. So you can imagine my utter shame when, after really looking at the story, I realized that I am this man. You see, I think we so often over complicate things with Jesus. So often I feel like he asks us a simple question, "Do you want to be healed?", "Do you want to get well?", "Do you want to live?" but yet, we are afraid of what saying yes will mean, so we make excuses and blame our lameness on others or on life circumstances.

Secondly, was the idea that this man, who had been handicapped for 40 years was able to walk, just like anyone else, immediately after being healed by Jesus. He didn't have to learn how to walk, no one had to show him, Jesus healed him, and he could walk. Had this man sought medical help, he would have undergone a long process maybe including surgeries and some type of therapy to learn how to walk again. But Jesus was able to give this man exactly what He needed, right when He needed it. Thats what I love about Jesus, when we seek healing from Him, and Him alone, He gives us what we need. I think a lot of us, including myself, have looked in a million different places for healing and fulfillment-friends, family, money, possessions, etc-only to find, over and over again that they don't offer what we need. Yet I know that in looking to God for healing and redemption, I'll get everything that I need, no "learning how to walk".

When Jesus is what free's us, we walk away complete.

mediocrity

2010-07-01T14:12:00.000-05:00

The tragedy of mediocrity occurs when we fail to see opportunities as blessings from God and see them instead as "jobs" to be done. I truly believe that the main factor determining whether we "thrive" or just "survive" is in how we view the tasks before us. Do we see our jobs and places of work as blessings, as relational opportunities, as a chance to impact lives, or do we see it simply as our job, focusing only on the rules we have to follow and finishing what we need to get done by the end of every day?

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

2010-06-10T22:40:00.006-05:00

This quote used to be my life motto. My "mission statement", if you will.

The turning point in my life, however, was the day I realized I can't change the situations and people in my life, and instead of feeling like a failure, I walked away feeling more hopeful about them than I ever had before.

Because I'm not the change that the world needs, Jesus is.

God can do so much more than I ever can, my only regret is that I'm just now learning to entrust to Him the things I can't control.

So now i look at what I can't change, and I see hope, not despair. I am not overwhelmed by the problems that surround me, because I know what the solution is, and it's not me.

It's Jesus.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

2010-06-05T00:22:00.004-05:00

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

i wonder what would happen if we truly believed that God is renewing us day by day?
or if we fixed our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen?
how would our relationships change?
how would it effect our interactions with the bank teller, the Kroger cashier, or roommate, our hair dresser?
what about our family members or best friends?
bottom line...
how much easier would it be for us to not lose heart if we fixed our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen?

2010-05-23T20:36:00.002-05:00

We know that Jesus is the answer to all of our problems,
so why do we keep guessing that it might be all these other things?

a prayer

2010-05-04T01:09:00.001-05:00

take my hands, for the are Thine
take my words, they are not mine
take my eyes so I can see
take my life, take all of me
take my mouth, the words i say
take my selfish thoughts away,
take my feet where you would be
take the very heart of me
take my pride and arrogance
take my vain accomplishments
take my brokenness and pain
take the sin I entertain
take my feelings and desires
take me home, God, take me higher

and when my time on earth is through
take me home to be with you.

2010-02-11T18:09:00.003-06:00

If Jesus and I were to sit down at Waffle House and talk, and He were to ask me, "What's going on your life?" I wonder what He would think about my answer.

bits and pieces

2010-01-24T01:22:00.002-06:00

People.

People important to you, people unimportant to you, cross your life, touch it with love and carelessness, and move on. There are people that leave you, and you breathe a sigh of relief, and you wonder why you ever came in contact with them. There are people who leave, and you breathe a sigh of remorse, and wonder why they had to go and leave such a gaping hole.

Children leave parents, friends leave friends, acquaintances move on. You think on the many who have moved into your life with hazy memory. You look on those present and wonder.

I believe in God’s master plan for our lives.

People move in and out of each other’s lives, and each leaves his mark on the other. You find you are made up of bits and pieces of all who have touched your life, and you are more because of it, and you would be less if they had not touched you.

Pray to God that you can accept the bits and pieces in humility and wonder, and never question, and never regret.

(i did not write this, Kris Laansma wrote it on the white board on our last day in New York. I don't know where it came from, but i love it.)

i've been thinking..

2009-12-21T11:44:00.006-06:00

i think there is more to life than being dramatic about our x-boyfriend on our facebook status.
i think we were made for more than tweeting our current activities and location every time we go somewhere.
i think we were created for more than hating the girls that date our old boyfriends.
i think there's more to life than getting mad at the mcdonalds cashier for forgetting we wanted "no pickles".
i think we should be able to talk about how we feel and what we're doing without being propmpted by "Maryanne Rieder is.."
i think there's more to Christmas than blowing our savings accounts on our friends and family just so they'll know we love them.
i think there is more to life than being right all the time.
i think we should be living for more than a text message every hour to reaffirm our value and worth in this world.
i think that we should have more to talk about besides how stupid, annoying, ugly, and weird the people we don't like are.
i think there is more to people than we can see, and there is more to God than we could ever imagine.

so i think that we should talk to people, with real words. not emails and text messages and wall posts.
and when people talk to us, we should look and them and listen to them and not be checking our emails and text messages and wall posts.
i think we should feel things, really feel them, and not be scared of what will happen if we experience and show emotion every once in a while.
i think we should give our time and energy instead of gap sweaters and new cell phones and gift cards.
i think we should care about other people more than ourselves and the drama we've created in our lives.
i think we should love.
i think we should love deeply and selflessly and i think this love should extend to everyone we meet, not just our friends.
i think we should feel loved, by the Creator of the universe, and that should be enough to make life worth living.

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." -John 10:10

(ps. i bet you think that i should be telling people what God is doing in my life instead of posting it on my blog.
i am. don't worry.)

commencialism

2009-12-06T23:54:00.000-06:00

Commencialism.
A relationship between animals of different species in which one benefits and the other receives nothing.

Is there such a thing as giving too much?
My life, especially in the last two years, has been defined by giving.
I would give anything for the people I love.
And I have given a lot.
I’ve given ridiculous things.
Presents, gifts, money.
But I’ve also given a lot of myself.
My time. My energy. My effort. My prayers.
I’ve spent the last two years of my life, giving, giving, giving.
Always giving.
To people.
I spend 90% of my time with or for people.
If I’m not physically with people, I’m talking to them.
Always in communication, with someone.
For a purpose.
I think “I need to text her, she’s having a bad day.”
Or, “I need to talk to her, her boyfriend broke up with her.”
Or asking people “What can I pray for, for you?”
Or listening to people tell their story.
Always hoping for the best in the people.
And doing whatever I can to push them in the right direction.
I am drawn to people.
To help them.
To love them.
God gave me a big heart.
A big capacity to love.
I’ve always felt like I need to use it.
But lately, it’s occurred to me, that I’m getting nothing back.
And sometimes, that’s ok.
I’m not loving people so they’ll love me.
That’s not my point.
I’m talking about my friends.
“Friends are the family you make for yourself.”
That’s more true for me than it is for most.
I trust my friends.
And I depend on them.
I tell them things that scare me to say.
I share things with them that hurt.
B/c I trust them.
And that’s saying a lot.
Trusting doesn’t come easy for me.
I love them. More than they’ll ever know.
But I heard about commencialism in class today.
My teacher talked about how this one bird cleans the teeth of the alligator.
And in return, the alligator doesn’t eat the bird.
The bird cleans.
The alligator does nothing.
The alligator benefits from the bird.
But does nothing in return.
Sometimes, I think I am the bird.
I would literally do anything in the world for my friends.
But is that true the other way around?
I’m always giving to them.
And yet, what am I getting?
Besides disappointment and hurt.
And feelings of rejection.
And the realization that no matter what,
I’ll always love more than I am loved in return.
I’ll care more.
I’ll give more.
And I’ll always get less.
But somewhere along this train of thought, I understood.
That when you’re following Christ, its not called commencialism.
Its called love.
And its what being a Christian is all about.
John 15:13 has no end clause.
“Greater love has no man than this, that he lay his life down for his friend.”
Not “that friends lay their lives down for each other and in return receive gratitude and love”.
Its not about what I get.
Its doesn’t matter that I feel empty at the end of the day b/c I’ve poured myself out to the people in my life.
It doesn’t matter if my friends don’t understand.
Or don’t try to understand.
I am the bird.
And I will keep cleaning.
Keep loving.
Keep giving.
No matter what I get in return.
Even if its nothing.
And if ever I feel hurt or rejected or alone,
I will remember, another example of commensialsm.
One that takes place on a cross.
And I’ll realize that loving people isn’t easy.
And it takes sacrifice.
And sometime, it sucks and I just want to yell.
But then I remember,
I’m also the alligator.
Reaping the benefits from a relationship I could never deserve.
And oftentimes, doing nothing in return.
So, to answer my own question,
No, I don’t think there’s such a thing as giving too much.
But if there was, it has nothing to do with me.
It happened 2000 years ago at Gethsemane.

< backwards

2009-08-30T21:44:00.002-05:00

first of all, let me say, in reference to what God is doing on this campus, in this city, and in my own life,
"glory to God, glory to God, glory to God, forever."
I can't help but address the amazing revival that is taking place all around me right now. And what i'm about write about is just one of the many ways that God has revealed Himself to me over the last week. The bible class I'm taking right now is called Gospel of Matthew, and it of course is a study of the book of Matthew. Our first assignment of the semester was to read the book in its entirety by Friday. So i set off to reading, and I have to be honest I was about as excited about it as a 4 year old is about green beans and carrots. So i prayed that God would show me something new, that He would come alive to me from these words and stories that I've heard so many times.
And He did.
The thing I keep seeing in the gospels, over and over again, is this:
God seems to do everything backwards.
Think about it. The Jews are anticipating this great and mighty king to arise and rule over them, wearing purple robes and a jeweled crown, to sit on a throne and embrace royalty. And yet from the second that Jesus arrives on this earth, His lifestyle reflects nothing short of the complete opposite of that. He is born in a barn in the middle of a field, His dad is a carpenter. When it comes time for his ministry to begin, instead of baptizing the people, He himself gets baptized by John the Baptist. And what I love the most, is that when it comes time for him to choose his followers, He does not go to the temple courts, to the "chief preachers of the law", He instead goes to the beach, and calls two fisherman brothers, He goes to a tax collector named Matthew, He calls these goobers and nobodies and He establishes His kingdom on this earth through them.
It seems that God takes delight in shattering our expectations.
Dave Clayton, the preacher at my church put it this way:
"Some of Gods greatest works begin in the darkest of places."
And the coolest part of this all, is that I see God working in this backwards way all around me, every single day. God has been using things and situations and people that don't make sense to start a revival on this campus. And it didn't happen in bible classes and chapel and church services, it began in parties and in bars and in the least likely of situations. And God is using the worst and darkest times of my life to reveal His power and love and forgiveness and grace to me.
You see, anyone can take something good and make it better. But only God can take something something terrible, something shameful or hurtful and use it for His glory. Only God seems to work in this most backwards of ways. And every time He does I'm reminded that this God we serve is "able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine." (Eph. 3:20)

2009-08-25T22:37:00.003-05:00

do good
drink water
give compliments
love everyone
dance
follow your dreams
sleep in
be better
pick flowers
laugh
hug strangers
believe in people
skip
eat pie
play in sprinklers
take pictures
sing loud
give high fives
go places

live, abundantly.

the missing piece

2009-08-21T23:17:00.005-05:00

(disclaimer: I am about to compare my life with a book intended for 5 year olds.)
there's a book by shel silverstein, it's called "the missing piece meets the big o" I was introduced to this book when i was a sr. in highschool. my sunday school teacher did this series where he read us kids books every sunday. i thought it was dumb at first b/c i was in highscool, you know, and kids books are not "cool" and reading them didn't make people like me. (that is what highschool is about, isn't it?) but the missing piece meets the big o is one of those children's books that aren't really meant for children at all, the one's that have hidden meanings behind the cartoon artwork and 17 inch font. and i liked it right away. i liked it b/c it taught me something i desperately needed to learn.
the book is essentially about how we go looking our whole lives for somewhere to fit. this first lines are: "the missing piece sat alone waiting for someone to come and take it somewhere" and in the book, the missing piece finds all of these things that seem like the perfect fit, but for one reason or another, they don't work out. so it tries to dress itself up, but that doesn't work either. finally, it finds one that fits just right, and they roll along in utter bliss. but the missing piece begins to grow, and it doesn't fit anymore. so it's back all by itself. until finally, one comes along that looks different. instead of missing a piece, like all the others, it is whole. it is "the big o". and the big o isn't looking for anything or anyone to fit. and slowly, it teaches the missing piece to pick itself up, and plop down again, until it becomes round and can roll on its own. and so it rolls on its own, and it is happy.
obviously there is some major symbolism in this book. so much about relationships, i hardly know where to begin. i think about this book at the beginning of school every year when i see the freshmen arrive. i think about it esp. when i think about my freshmen year. i tried to fit in so many places. we all did. we were all just trying to squeeze ourselves in, anywhere we could, hoping to find the perfect match. we all believed, and some of us still do, that we're not complete, that we're missing something and that college is the place that we're meant to find it. we go looking for it everywhere, in relationships, in academics, in bars, in libraries, in social clubs, in churches, in the student center, anywhere we can think of. but at some point, I quit trying to fit. but i didn't arrive at this point easily. i had tried to fit in lots of places. but they never really lasted. dressing myself up didn't make me fit. dressing myself down didn't either. neither did trying to be this or that, or trying to be anyone really. it seemed as if i was trying too hard. but after a while, i met some people who weren't trying to fit. and I learned from them to just roll with who I am. i have learned that I can be whole when I live life as God intended me to live. and that's not looking everywhere i go for a place to fit in a belong. it's embracing who I am and praying that God will help me help others do the same. i'm not a missing piece. nor am I missing a piece. i'm rolling, all by myself, rolling along as the Maryanne God created. now, that's not to say that I don't occasionally hit a bump in the road. (cough cough the last week of my life). but I'm trying, every day to be who I was made to be, not to fit who others want me to be.

(and to think, I learned all this from a childrens book! just imagine what could happen if we'd read the bible!)

2009-08-19T14:46:00.002-05:00

don't ever say

that things can't get worse.

i'm a loser

2009-08-14T00:30:00.005-05:00

sometimes, you don't win.
this is life.
you see it everyday,
in hospitals,
in Admissions offices,
in soccer games.
no matter what you do,
how hard you try,
sometimes,
things aren't going to go your way.
i can say this,
but i have a problem accepting it.
i believe that i can fix everything.
but every once in a while,
reality rears its big fat hand back
and slaps me in the face,
yelling the whole time
"you're wrong!
you can't fix it!"
and like a little kid on the play ground,
reality wins,
and hangs from the monkey bars,
like a big bully
singing "nanny-nanny-boo-boo".
but the truth of the matter is,
every once in a while i need to be reminded
of what a blessing it is that
I can't.
I used to hate this,
saying "I can't"
realizing that there is something I can't fix.
but sometime last year, I began to love it.
because whenever "I can't",
I realize that I need Jesus,
that I need someone, something bigger than me.

so I'm a loser.
sometimes, i loose.
i don't always get my way.
i don't fix the problems.
because i just can't.
but when this happens,
I smile to myself
and think about what a blessing it is
to serve a God
who can.

salad sucks.

2009-08-02T15:37:00.008-05:00

Yesterday, I went to atlanta with Mayfair's college group. We did the water park/braves game combo, it was a great trip. On the way home, Doug, our college minister, was talking to some people, having one of those real talk conversations that seem to only happen in the back of a church bus after a long day. They were talking about faith, and I was eavesdropping as I watched the lightning storm dance around in the night sky. Faith, for some reason, seems to make more sense when you're watching a lightning storm, it's something about how powerful, yet unpredictable it is. Anyway, as they were talking, in the back of the bus, Doug said something I haven't been able to get out of my head since. He said this:

"We don't need faith."

Ouch. Those words stung, somehow more than the crappy shower water at the water park had earlier that day. They stung b/c I know they are true.
It's tragic really. We've (christians) lost our need for faith. We don't need faith. Think about it to yourself-what do we ever do that requires real faith? We're in control of every aspect of our lives. When do we ever step away from what we know, adventure past the outcomes we expect, and rely on nothing but God to get us through? When do we put ourselves in situations we are unsure of, scared of even, and rely on faith?
We're far too comfortable.
And somehow we've fooled ourselves into thinking we know what faith is, so we call ourselves Christians and we tell people we have faith, and that we need this so called "faith" to survive. But really, what would happen if we didn't have faith? By that I mean, what would happen if someone were to take our faith away? I'm afraid that for me, the answer is that very little would change in my life. And that, is the tragedy.

But I'm a sucker for happy endings. I could have quit writing right there, but that certainly would not have been very happy now, would it? One of the things I love most about following Jesus is that there is always hope. No matter where you are, what you're dealing with, what you've done, in following Jesus Christ there is always hope for something better.
So what's the solution to this tragedy? I think it's clear. Lets start doing things that don't make sense, things that will surely fail, things that are downright stupid, if, we try to do them without God. Because I feel like we missing so much living the way we are. It's like God is the full buffet at Ryans, and we've paid for it, but we're only eating at the salad bar. And we can see the fried chicken, and the macaroni and cheese, and the peach cobbler, but we don't know what they taste like, so we're too scared to go over there. We have no clue what else is out there, what He can do, what we can do for Him, because we are too scared to leave what we know. But you know what?
Salad sucks.
I think they give it to you before the meal so that no matter what else they serve, they know you won't be too disappointed b/c at least it'll be better than the salad.
So lets move away from the salad bar, lets move away from what we know. Lets put ourselves in uncomfortable situations, and let's see what God can do.
Let's be people who need faith. Because without it, we'd fail, at everything we try to do.

see, how He loved him

2009-04-14T00:34:00.003-05:00

John 11: the death of Lazarus...

when Mary reached the place where Jesus was a saw Him, she feel at His feet and said
"Lord, if you had been here my brother would not have died."
when Jesus saw her weeping, and the jews who had come along with her weeping,
He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.
"where have you laid him?" He asked
"come and see Lord," they replied

Jesus wept.

Then the jews said,

"See, how He loved him."

$72.00

2009-04-04T01:40:00.003-05:00

one thing you need to know about me: i worry. alot. this may surprise you, but its true. i wish it wasn't, but there is no hiding it:

i'm a worrier.

I worry about my friends, i worry about my future, i worry about my grades (although apparently not enough to motivate me to make better grades) i worry about my family, i worry about my friends, and did I mention that I worry about my friends? Because they are what i worry about the most. and more so within the last year than normal.
now, something else you need to know about me: if I do something, I do it big. and this is a problem. it's not like a "give 100%" type of thing. it's like a geez I wish I could do something and not have it take over my life type of thing. so naturally, worry becomes one of these things that takes over my life. it's a never ending cycle: worry then prayer then worry that i didn't pray enough about what i was originally worried about, then more prayer for forgiveness about worrying to begin with, etc. etc.

so, a brief overview of what i've rambled about so far:
1. i worry 2. i do things to the extreme. 3. i worry, to the extreme

so tonight, shockingly, i was worried about some of my friends. we'll just leave it at that. but we had gone to cheesecake factory after singarama, and I hadn't really had time to change clothes so I was wearing some basketball shorts over compression shorts (strange little detail, I know, but it's important) and I didn't have a purse so I just stuck my money into bottom of the compression shorts. now i know this seems weird and stupid, but at the time I thought it was a great idea, it was like a huge pocket or something. so we eat and we leave and we get back to school and I want to go to the RedBox at McDonalds so I go to my car and go to McDonalds and come back and lots of exciting and funny things happened but anyway I get back to my room and about to change when I realize..my money is gone. and this is a MAJOR problem b/c I for some reason had been carrying my entire pay check with me which, after dinner was around 80 dollars. so i freak out. b/c i CAN NOT afford to loose 80 dollars. so i retrace my steps. nothing. I call cheesecake factory. nothing. I get in my car and go to cheesecake factory and check the parking lot. nothing. i come back to school, extremely angry at myself for being such a moron, when I realize that I forgot earlier to go back to my parking spot from before. so i go there and what do i see, but a stack of money laying on the ground.
and there it is. my $72.00.
just sitting there, on the pavement. i kid you not at this moment i fell to my knees and picked up the money and looked up to the sky and said a small prayer to God, thanking Him. because what had really just happened was so much more than me finding 72 dollars. it was God, saying to me, "Maryanne. I'm up here. And I'm at work, in every detail of your life. Yes, I helped you find this money, but more importantly, I want you to know that I'm in control of everything. And everyone. And every little thing that you worry yourself sick about. I've got this. Just trust Me. I won't let you down. I promise."

and so, through my complete stupidity and irresponsibility, God reminded me of His presence in my life and of His control. Over everything.
So there's no need to worry.
I found my $72.00, and so much more..

my list

2008-08-19T23:44:00.003-05:00

This summer, while i was in australia, our trip leader Wilson McCoy made a list of 25 things to do during his 25th year of life. And i thought that was a pretty good idea, so here are my 19 things to do while i'm 19 years old:

1. do something anonymous
2. visit a new country
3. change a life
4. make a strangers day
5. read the psalms
6. go on an adventure
7. spend the weekend at my grandmothers
8. go to my first college football game
9. take a spontaneous road trip
10. make an A in college
11. play in the rain
12. hike a mountain
13. choose my major/minor
14. drink coffee
15. go fishing with my dad
16. make a new friend
17. volunteer once a week
18. run a half-marathon
19. watch the little mermaid from beginning to end in one sitting

seriously.

2008-02-13T02:42:00.002-06:00

recently, for some absurd reason, i have come to believe the lie that any spiritual progress i have made happened because I take my relationship with God seriously. but today I realized that is, infact, very untrue. the reason behind me making any progress in any area of my life is not because I take my relationship with God seriously,

it is because God takes His relationship with me seriously.

isn't it great to know that we serve a God who is deeply passionate about being involved in the lives of His children?

me and dietrich

2008-02-01T00:01:00.001-06:00

My english teacher says that in order to be a successful writer, one should read and write something everyday. And i would like to be a successful writer. I might even want to be so successful of a writer that one day people will pay me to write things for them. And i have just read something, so here i am now, writing something. I am in fact, writing something about something I have read that I will have to write something about in the future. (confusing? don't fret. you'll get in a second)
What i have just read is the introduction to the book "The Cost of Discipleship" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I say that not to appear ambitious or uber-intelligent, but instead so that you can know and sympathize with the frazzled state that my brain is in. Just for the record, I am not reading this book for pleasure or by choice. I am reading this book in lieu of having to wake up at 9:30AM every day and going to university bible when i don't have to be up for at least 3 more hours for my 1:20 art appreciation class. Call it laziness, call it what you want, but i see no merit in getting out of bed 3 hours early for something its likely i'll sleep through anyway. So my purpose in writing about what I'm reading right now is not really for your pleasure either, if anyone even reads this anymore, but instead so that when i have to write my 5-7 page paper on this book, i can go back and read this posts and hopefully be inspired to write an incredible paper.
I knew that this would be a hard read. Typically, i choose not to read books by authors whose names i can't pronounce. And i do judge a book by its cover. Hate me if you want, call me shallow, but i can't help it. So far, thats two strikes against this book. The third would be the discussions i had with people who had read it. Or tried to, anyway. One said "yikes! If i were you, i'd just go to ub." And another: "Wow. I tried to read that once and quit after about 20 pages." Discouraging, to say the least. but yet, somehow, my bible professor, Earl Lavender, a man of great knowledge, and an author himself, thinks that i can handle it. And the fact that he said he'd help me if i can't was enough to convince me to try.
So today i read the introduction. And i must say, i liked it. I feel what this guy is saying. He talks about the church, and how in our pursuit of serving God we somehow miss the point and instead only end up making more burdensome rules and regulations that we will try in vain to follow. He sees irony in this because the Jesus that we are supposedly following issues a very different calling-"Come to me all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28). Bonhoeffer sees, as do many of us, a problem in this dilemma that we have made for ourself, about which, he says "When the bible speaks of following Jesus, it is proclaiming a discipleship which will liberate mankind from all man-made dogmas, from every burden and oppression, from every anxiety and torture which afflicts the conscience. If they follow Jesus, men escape from the hard yoke of their own laws, and submit to the kindly yoke of Jesus Christ. But does this mean that we ignore the seriousness of his commands? Far from it. We can only achieve perfect liberty and enjoy fellowship with Jesus when his command, his call to absolute discipleship, is appreciated in its entirety."
Interesting point, Dietrich. He goes on to emphasize his point by saying, "The commandment of Jesus is not a sort of spiritual shock treatment. Jesus asks nothing of us without giving us the strength to perform it. His commandment never seeks to destroy life, but to foster, strengthen, and heal it."
So far so good. Who knows what the other 300 pages hold, but I'm up for it. I like a challenge. I have been praying that God would stretch me and give me opportunities to grow, even if its challenging or makes me uncomfortable, and i think its safe to say that this could be an answer to that prayer. so here goes nothing.

..choose this day whom you will serve

2007-10-15T22:35:00.000-05:00

one of the more shocking things i've found to be true in college, is that just like in highschool, everyone seems to be trying really hard to find something to idetify themselves with. i kind of thought that that would stop after highscool. but it didn't really. sometimes i feel like everyone is just trying to make a statement about themselves, with what they wear, or what they say, or what clubs they join, or who they hang around with, or what music they listen to. its almost like everyone's trying to prove something to the world about themselves. we all do it. i know i do it. all the time. its really quite funny, to look back over jr. high and even into highschool at all of my failed attempts to prove to the world that i was a certain way, or i believed a certain thing about the world. i went through all the stages of a teen in identity crisis: the "i listen to hardcore rock music and i'm a punk so i'm gonna buy a pair of chuck taylors and some etnies tees", the "i love the earth and i'm a treehugger so i'm going to wear chacos and water-proof columbia shorts and walk around with a nalgene bottle every day" phase, the "i'm just your all american, preppy, private school girl so i'm going to wear polo ralph lauren and american eagle all the time so i'll look just like everyone else" phase, and then my personal favorite, the ever famous "i'm different and i'm trying REALLY HARD to get you to know that" phase. and with all of these so called "phases" comes not only a certain attire, but also a set of beliefs, and sayings/lingo, and habits. like, for example, in the punk rock phase, i had to not only wear punk rock clothing and shop at journeys, but i had to listen to the music too, and i had to say cuss words alot because i had to convince people i was just a no-good, not-caring-about-what-anybody-thinks-about-me, punk. luckily, for me, that one didn't last very long. because it wasn't me.
the thing that i relized later that made all those different phases seem so stupid is that i didn't really like the hardcore rock music. i didn't really want to be really preppy. i do love the earth, and i do like hiking, i guess thats the most real and true of all the phases, but that doesn't mean i have to dress in hiker-friendly apparel at all times. its not like by wearing chacos i was really doing anything to save the planet. but you would have thought that i was. i thought i was anyway. the thing that i later realized is that in all of these times of my life, i didn't really want to be what i was posing to be. i wanted people to see me as being that way.
i read a book the other day by don miller and he was talking about a time when he and a friend had protested the presidents arrival to their city because they didn't agree with a recent bill had had signed off on, or something like that. he said they made signs and marched and yelled and got real angry with the cops and made a big scene, but when the president got there, he got out of the limo, and just walked right into the building without looking their way, did whatever the President does inside the building, and then came out and got right back in the car and left. Don Miller said that he felt really dumb and useless. he and his friend just left after that, feeling like they had just wasted their time. He said that he wondered, afterwards, if he really wanted to be socially active or if he wanted to be known as a socially active person.
and i cant help but to ask the same question about my faith and about all things i "believe" in my life. do i really want to love God, or I do want to be known as someone who loves God. Do I really want to change the world, or do I want to be known as someone who changed the world? its a question of our intentions, whether they are pure or not, whether they are God serving or self serving.

and its a question that i think we all can afford to ask ourselves every once and a while..

"...if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD." -joshua 24:15

the beautiful thing about God is..

2007-10-08T00:03:00.000-05:00

"sometimes life just takes you by surprise." its funny to me how everybody always says that, when things start to go real well for them, or when they finally get that big break they've been waiting for, or when things finally start looking up for them. its odd to me that that's what we say in response to the good times, because really,

I think it's God who takes us by surprise.

but nobody wants to talk about God b/c it will be "awkward" and "make people uncomfortable". so we stay on the surface and credit "life" for the good times.
but i don't know how God feels about all of this. I mean, if it were me, up in heaven, working behind the scenes in everyones lives, putting together all the events of the world, trying to keep everything in line and keep everyone happy, I don't think i would like it very much if people ignored the fact that it was me doing all of those things and instead said that it's just "life". as if its some coincidence that we're blessed like we are and that we live the lives we live. but thats the difference between me and God. Even when we don't give Him credit, He just keeps on, pouring out the blessings on us, putting people and circumstances in our lives right when we need them the most, sending us October sunsets and big bright stars to dazzle us, giving us simple pleasures like teddy bears and rain puddles and good hugs, sending us all we need to live happily here on this earth, everyday, even when He doesn't get credit, even when we don't thank Him, even we don't even acknowledge that He's there doing it all.

the more and more I deal with people, especially flawed people like myself, that more i learn about the beautiful nature of God. I have learned so much about the patience and graciousness of God through my own selfishness and impatience, I have learned about the energy and joy of God most in the times in my life when I have been so weary I struggled to even get out of bed, i have learned the magnitude of God's love for us in my own inability to love others.

the more I see the flaws of man the more I see the perfection of God.

i think, in a way, thats how He meant it to be. If everyone were exactly like God, we wouldn't appreciate Him like we do. maybe He meant for the things of this world that are imperfect and messy, and that make us feel bad about ourselves, to remind us of just how good He is, of how perfect and freeing His love is.

And thats the beautiful and unique thing about God. In Him, life and beauty are found in the differences, the flaws, and the imperfections. The things we hate most about ourselves reveal a side of God that we love and need more than anything.

what we're here for

2007-10-02T14:00:00.000-05:00

i was going to start this off by saying that i've been thinking alot lately about life and death, but thats really a lie. the truth of the matter is that I've been thinking alot lately about death. i know, i know, its a morbid way to start a new post, but several things that have happened recently have pointed to the topic so much I can't ignore it. mainly what got me thinking about death is the tradegy that the Mobley family is going through. and after that happened, its been everywhere, not necessarily death, but the concept of living life while you can and stuff like that, little ideas and phrases like that have been everywhere, in songs on the radio or in something that a friend says. its like maybe God wanted to get my attention or something.

sometimes I wonder if maybe, through things like this happening every once and a while, (by that I mean through tragedies and death and sickness) if maybe God wants to get everyone's attention. i'm not saying thats why these things happen. that would be terribly selfish thing for me to say. i'm not saying that someone else's pain is justified by whatever we can gain from it. but i have to wonder if maybe it is a little tiny piece of why, if maybe God is trying to get our attention, because i've learned that a big part of life is taking everything that happens and trying to learn from it, trying to grow as a person because of it, and trying to find some good in it. you have to try to find some good in everything that happens, you have to try to see things as God sees them, you have to try to figure out what God's reasoning was in every situation that that comes your way, whether its good or bad. you have to do these things all the time, even when the hard times come, or else you your heart will get hard as a rock and you'll want to quit.

anyway, the thing about the situation with the Mobley's that really got my attention is that it all happened so fast. in a few hours, everything had changed for them forever. and although it may sound selfish, I have to admit that in light of something like that happening, I couldn't help but to think, what if that were to happen to me? or someone I love? what if, in the middle of doing something I do all the time, like driving down the road or sitting in class or at work, or walking down the street, it all ended for me? what if that was it? the last thing I ever did?

what all of these things made me realize is that every time I take a breath, I get a brand new chance at life, and I can't afford to mess around or take it for granted, because it could be the last chance i get. this is why I have to thank God every time my heart beats, it is why i feel the need to share with people what He's doing in my life, its why I have to tell people about Him every chance I get, its why I appreciate life like i do and why am so happy to be alive, because I don't have to be, I certainly don't deserve to be, but yet I am, I am alive, and I keep breathing, breath after breath, getting chance after chance at getting this right, at living this life right. Its all a gift, every second, every breath, every day, and none of us deserve to get any more of them but if we do, if we do keep breathing air and thinking thoughts and if our hearts do keep beating, we have to try with everything inside of us to make each one worthwhile, to do something meaningful and beautiful for God with every new chance, every breath, that we get.

its what we're here for.

I'm back

2007-09-24T16:41:00.000-05:00

So today I was babysitting in Franklin Tennessee, and the kids are joyfully (yeah right) doing their homework, and i'm here with them at the kitchen table and i actually got bored of facebook (a rare occasion, but it happens sometimes). But then, I remembered this blog and how I forgot my password like 6 months ago, and I haven't been able to log on since then, but still, I thought I'd give it a try, so I go to the website and for some reason, i was automatically logged in. I don't know if somehow this mac just knows my password or what, but it was W E I R D..!
anyway i'm glad to be back, alot has happened since February or whenever it was that I last made a post, way too much to even try to explain, but eventually I'll give an update on my life. But here is a very quick run through of the last 6 months: In May I graduated, in June I went to Impact, turned 18, and went on a two week vacation to California with my mom and dad, in July I went on a mission trip with Mayfair to the city of children in Ensenada, Mexico and worked at LIFT, an inner-city vbs program here in huntsville for 3 weeks. In August I came to Lipscomb, here in Nashville, TN, and thats where I am now, loving every minute of it. soon maybe i'll give more details about more of those things, but i plan to make this not so much about whats going on in my life as what God is doing in my life and all around me, because lets just be honest, thats really all that matters anyway.
thats all I got time to say for now, I've got about 5 chapters of reading to do for my seminar class.

(still untitled)

2007-02-22T19:01:00.000-06:00

WELL

it has been a crazy week..a crazy month really, but i can't complain. life is good.

-first of all there was, winterfest, which was a BLAST. i loved it. the worship was awesome and i especially enjoyed getting to hang out with some of the jr. and sophomore girls that i don't normally get a chance to see much...we had some fun times. oh and the snow..how could i forget? it was was SPECTACULAR. a winter-WONDERland. here are some pictures from the trip:

-and soccer season has officially started. we had our first game last thursday against hazel green-a 2-2 tie. not exactly how you hope to start off your season, but considering that we came back in the last 2 minutes, we can't complain.

-its basketball tournament time!! this is always one of my favorite times of year. we get out of school to go the the games, and we all ride together and sing at the top of our lungs the whole way down, we dress up like morons and scream until we can't even talk...i mean its just GREAT! G-R-E-A-T. we won our first game today against sardis by like 20 or 30 i think..our new favorite chant is "if your winning and you know it clap your hands..." haha. here are some pictures from today's game: (together, we all spelled out "we are balling.", but none of these are with the whole group..)

-music mania is coming up..WOO HOO! haha i am in a group of about 12 jrs. and srs. doing a song/dance from "highschool musical" why, you might ask? because i am THAT cool. haha its really funny and corny-you should come watch-its march 5 & 6 @ MA. this is our group: (YEAH, we made the poster..haha)

thats all i got.

(maybe i'm not so good at the bloggin thing after all..lol)

(untitled)

2007-02-09T18:01:00.000-06:00

i have nothing specific to post about right now, so i just thought i'd make a random post about whats going on..
_______________________________
i'm excited about winterfest, which is next weekend. the theme this year is "the prize" and i imagine they'll aproach it from a sports angle which is always a good thing for us athletes. but i'm really just hoping that it will be better than last year which left me with nothing but a severe hate for archaeleogy and whoever made jeff walling waste 3 hours talking about it, although i did enjoy the nap..haha
_______________________________
basketball season is coming to a close, which is both exciting and sad..our girls team plays new hope tonight at new hope for the area championship..both teams are about equally matched in talent and we could defintely win..it should be an awesome game.
our guys team beat Randolph last night by about 30 or 40, and is hoping to advance on to the state chapionship game for the second year in a row (we won it last year).
but the real reasn i'm excited is because with post-season basketball play comes road-trips to games, missing school, dressing up like a moron to show team spirit, and a plethora of other fun basketball related activities.
_______________________________
soccer season is finally here! and i'm off to a great start with a stress factor in my left foot! haha..i just got the boot off thursday and i'm starting to go back to practice. our first game is on thursday and we are debating whether or not i should dress out..i may possibly play goalie...? haha anyway we play hazel green so wish us luck!
_______________________________
LOST is back..and with a bang! wednesdays epsiode was awesome..but it leaves us lost-junkies asking lots of questions..what's up with this juliet girl? whose side is she really on? juding by the scenes from next week's episode, it looks like kate will pull her usual bad-a/tough girl act and try to save jack from the other island, even though she promised him she wouldn't..that should be interesting..and then there is the ever popular question of what will happen to jack...
and while we are the subject of TV..last weeks 24 episode was quite the thriller as well! i never liked this show, because i think it is 100% IMPOSSIBLE that everything that happens in one SEASON of this show could happen in ONE DAY, but once i started watching it with my parents, i, too, caught the jack-bauer fever, and was able to put my doubts aside and admit that it is, indeed, a pretty good show. as good as lost? HEAVENS NO. but its decent. a good pick for a monday night when good entertainment is scarce..
______________________________
there are exactly 100 days (weekends and breaks included) until graduation.
YEAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
______________________________
i feel like i should say something about the 'ole blue devils seeing as to how my family are the worlds biggest duke fans and this was quite a rough week for duke basketball..but honestly, all i have to say is this:
get it together, coach k.
______________________________
thats all for now, kiddos.
peace.

lucky

2007-02-01T22:00:00.000-06:00

today, for the first time ever, i saw a wreck. like a car accident. acutally, i didn't see the whole thing, just part of it.
i was on my way back out to school this afternoon at about 3:30PM, and i was about a mile away from turning onto slaughter rd. almost in front of that japanese factory "wah chang" or (whatever that building is that stinks up that road all the time..those of you who live or work out there know what i'm talking about..) anyway, i knew something was up because i started seeing brake lights all around me, so i too put on the brakes and eventually came to a complete stop because cars were pulling off and parking and there were people running on the road in front of me to go help, but i couldn't tell what was going on b/c the road ahead was clear. so i looked at where the people were running to, and then i saw it. there was this car-it was a camero i think (was being the key word there)-way off of the road to the far right-and judging by what i could see, it looked liked it had completely flipped over several times and landed on its side. itwas a bad wreck, to say the least. the car was looked totaled. i couldn't tell what had happened, but my first thought was "oh God, please help that poor person." I mean i thought they were a goner for sure. but then the most incredible thing happened. this guy emerged from the car. he came out of what had been a windshield, and as soon as he was out of the car, he got up and walked away. i mean he just walked away. he was waving his arms as if to say "i'm fine, i'm ok" to everyone. i mean this guy should have defintiely been dead. his car had flipped over-multiple times. and yet he just walked away. incredible, isn't it?
and then i got to thinking, about how that guy is so lucky to be alive, about lucky he is to have just walked away from an accident that could have cost him his life, and i realized that i am that guy. you are that guy. we are all that guy. we were all "goners". none of us stood a chance. at one point, we were all dead for sure. it looked like there was no hope. we were all just a wreck, lost in the mess of our lives, headed straight for destruction, seemingly with no hope..and then came Jesus. and instead of us dying, He did. he died for us, so that we could walk away from it all , without a scratch, and start again. we're all lucky..we should all be dead, but we're not. because of Jesus Christ, we too, can walk away.

an "ah-ha!" moment

2007-01-16T21:36:00.000-06:00

i had one of those "ah-ha" moments this weekend. "it was quite beautiful, really."
it was sunday morning, and i was at the light (a small church out in madison). jerome williams was leading singing that morning, which was great, but eventually, the singing was over, and andy blackston got up and started speaking. (he's the new varsity boys basketball coach @ MA. great guy.) so he starts talking about something..the gospel of luke maybe..? i honeslty wasn't really listening..but then he started talking about how at some point in your life you have to make your own decisions about jesus and church and how you're going to live and i started to listen. he said that with God, its all black and white, you either live for Him or you don't. there is no grey area. you either say yes to Him, or you say no. and then he said this: "its a choice everyone has to make. and by choosing to not make that decision, you are making your decision." He said that "even though people think they can ignore Jesus, everybody has to deal with this guy at some point in time."
and that was the moment. because when he said that, i realized that this year I came to that point. earlier this year i stared that decision right in the face. i had to decide what i was going to do about Jesus. and sadly, i didn't really make a choice. the problem was that i didn't want to make a choice. i wanted to be able to do anything i wanted to do. i thought i could ignore it. i basically decided that i would do whatever i wanted to do now, and then, later on in life, when I was older and more mature, i would make my choice and i would decide to say yes and then I could do devotionals and share my testimony about how i was an idiot in highschool but then i came back to Jesus and now I love him and am trying to live right and I would tell all those kids about how they should say yes to Jesus right now and save themselves the trouble of learning the hard way, even though I'll know they probably won't...
but what I didn't realize a few months ago when I decided all of those things, was that I was making my choice right then. I was saying no. I was trying to live in the so called "gray area" that doesn't really exist. And let me tell you, it wasn't working. It was exhausting. I was miserable, because it was during that "grey area" period that i made some really stupid decisions. I was able to justify doing just about anything i wanted to do by thinking that I had all the time in the world to change and clean up my act and come back to Jesus, and if i did that everything would be sunshine and daises all over again. But i was wrong. I was very wrong. Now I'm not saying that i went off the deep-end or anything, but i definitely made some bad decisions that i regret-the biggest of which would be thinking that I could "put God on hold."
so on sunday, I decided to quit running from God. I decided that I wanted to say yes, right then. and it was life God breathed life back into my viens. now, since then its not like i've been running around in a Jesus outfit throwing bibles at people and telling them to "reprent for the kingdom of heaven is near", or anything like that, its just that now I'm trying to put more effort into my relationship with God and doing whats right. its as simple as that. now, i could make a huge deal about this and go forward at church, claiming that i've completely "turned my life around" etc., but honestly, i don't think that i need to turn my life around. its not that big of deal. i just needed a little straightening out, thats all. and thats what I got..

high school

2007-01-12T23:28:00.000-06:00

i love high school. i really do. i'm not just saying that. now, don't me wrong, i am still counting down the days till graduation (79 school days as of today, i think?), but right now, i'm good with the way things are. when it comes time to graduate, i will be fine with that too. i guess i'm just saying that i'm "presently content with my circumstances". highschool is just so much fun..especially being a senior, and knowing that you can pretty much get away with anything..i guess mcdonalds sums up how i feel about highschool best: "i'm lovin' it."
here are some of the reasons why:

quote of the week

2007-01-07T21:15:00.001-06:00

Change the world, but be careful how you change with it.
-- Brandi Carlile

picture of the day

2007-01-06T15:22:00.000-06:00

sooo..life has been pretty boring lately and i haven't really had anything to post about.

ok, actaully, thats a lie. the truth is life has been hectic and crazy for the past month or so and i haven't had the time or energy to get on here and make a decent post. so i've come up a new idea. one of the reasons i haven't been posting lately is because i feel like i have put something on here that is worthy of you reading it, and well, quite honestly, that would take some work and time. i usually don't feel like sitting down and putting the events of my life or my thoughts into word form because when i do that i tend to ramble on, and, putting my thoughts into words has never been my strongpoint, and also it takes too long. but i didn't just want to let my blog die, so i've come up with a new idea for my posts: pictures. a "picture of the day" type thing..except i doubt it will be every day, and sometimes i will probably get sick of pictures so i'll do a quote or maybe even sometimes i'll do a normal post-the possibilties are ENDLESS. who knows what i'll come up with next? i'm joking, of course.

so, to start off the new trend, i have chosen one of my favorites:

thats me driving and my friend britney, who took the picture, is in the passenger seat. all i can really say about this one is..we are in my car late one night up to no good..(nothing illegal, i can assure you). i think i just like this because we're both laughing at the thought of what we were about to go do..and because it reminds me of some good times

war eagle

2006-11-18T22:23:00.000-06:00

war eagle, baby!

orchestration

2006-10-31T20:37:00.000-06:00

when i pause long enough to listen
i hear noise rather than music in my soul.
the chords of my heart strain to find the first harmony.
it's there, somewhere in my distant memories,
i hear snatches of it sometimes
in the silences, in the corners, on the outskirts of my dreams.
but my days are so busy and
my moments are all so heavy,
that they pull my hope down again into minor key.
is harmony even possible anymore
in this out of whack, out of tune world?

lead me into the music again.
show me where the breeze of your harmony blows.
for only with your help
will i ever be part of the original song
again.

-steven james

the pro's and con's of homecoming week..

2006-10-24T16:22:00.000-05:00

its here.
homecomming week has arrived. its spirit week. and its my LAST spirit week. EVER.
rachel taylor most accuratly described how i feel about this week by saying: "this is my favorite week of the year, but at the same time, its also my least favorite week of the year."
confusing, I know. but let me explain:
i love spirit week because..
-its the only week of the year when dressing up like a total dork will earn you cool points.
-it means (for the jrs. and srs. anyway) trashing the school in the wee hours of the morning and then getting out of class the next day to take it all down. (i mean really, how great is that? being rewarded for vandalism. for a highschooler, it doesn't get any better than that.)
-i love driving into school every day and seeing the school completley trashed and knowing that i contributed to the madness.
-i love seeing "seniors 2007" painted on our cars as i pull into my parking space.
-i love walking down the hallway and feeling like i am in about 6 different disney movies.
-i love the competetion for which class has the most school spirit, and the drama that comes with it.
-i love walking down the hallway and seeing our teachers so dressed up that i barely recongnize them
-for a week there are pretty much no rules, at school especially, and even at home the rules are relaxed

and yet, this is by far the most stressful week of the year. school is crazy and stressful enough without having to come up with a crazy obnoxious costume to wear every day and staying up past midnight decorating school and figuring out who you'll go to homecoming with or if you'll even go at all and buying a dress and picking out something cute to wear to the game. add all of those things to an already full week of homework, tests, an "expository essay" (no clue what that means) 2 soccer games, and basketball every day (Im helping w/ it this year) and this really fun week suddenly also becomes extremely stressful. oh, and did i mention that we haven't had heat at my house since last thursday, so after basketball practice every day i have had to come home, unpack from the night before, re-pack everything i'll need for the next day (which wouldn't be that hard if i didn't have to worry about wearing some kind of costume and all the props and stuff that go w/ it), find somebody to stay with and head to their house and try to do our homework and get to bed before the sun comes up..
so today i had like a 5 minute "AHH I'M SO STRESSED OUT WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I GONNA DO!?!" pity party after 7th period. nothing major, but for me it was weird, b/c i was just telling rachel and louisa last night that i don't stress out that much, and really, i don't. it takes a LOT to really get me stressed out. and yet there i stood at my locker today freaking out. so i attempt to vent about it to rachel, who is 100 times even more stressed than I am and NOT listening to me at all, and once i manage to squeeze every freaking book in my locker into my backpack i make a bee-line for my car, hoping to get out before i explode. and when i get in my car, the song "the end" by matthew west is on.
"sometimes it rains all over your parade
its like you're reachin for the sun
and landing in the shade..
but its not the end,
its not the end of the world.
its just another day, depending on grace
no, its not the end
the end of the world
its just another day
so don't sleep it all away.."
and when the song ended, i felt so stupid for getting so caught up in all this stupid stuff. i felt to immature. so i said a little prayer and asked God for peace to get me through the week. and i breathed a deep breath, and just like that, it was over. the pity party, the freaking out, it was over. i was done. in the words of jason mraz: "i won't worry my life away..."
so, there is my stupid high school drama post. hopefully that will be the last one for a long time.

pray for lawson minor

2006-10-18T21:32:00.000-05:00

Lawson is Brad and Angie Minor's son (Brad is the Youth Minister at Monrovia Church of Christ)i think he is around 1 or 2 years old- he had a seizure at around 10:30 this morning abd they rushed him to the ER, but he had another one this afternoon, and Brad said the second one was really bad, but 3 doctors were in the room and were able to watch and evaluate which is a good thing. I stopped by the hospital tonight and Brad was pretty upset, I can't imagine how hard it would be to watch your little boy have a seizure knowing there is nothing you can do about it. So please keep this family and little Lawson in your prayers this week.

survey

2006-10-18T17:21:00.000-05:00

i haven't really had anything to post about lately, but i saw this on sunny bybees blog and it looked like fun..so here it goes. (hope you don't mind, sunny)

1. FIRST NAME? Maryanne

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No, i don't think so.

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? I honestly don't know.

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yes, when i'm not in a hurry.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? Turkey

6. KIDS? Nope.

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yeah

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? No

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Heck yes.

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Probably.

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Fruit Loops

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Yes

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? No

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM ? Mint Chocolate Chip

16. SHOE SIZE? 7 1/2

17. RED OR PINK? Pink

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I can

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? No one really..

20. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Blue jeans and green striped teva flip flops

21. LAST THING YOU ATE? Macaroni and cheese and a mtn. dew

22. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Holiday in Spain, Counting Crows

23. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Green. just green.

24. FAVORITE SMELL? Gain laundry detergent

25. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My mom.

26. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO: Their ankles.

27. FAVORITE DRINK? Mountain Dew

28. FAVORITE SPORT? To play, soccer. To watch, football.

29. EYE COLOR? Blue

30. HAT SIZE? I thought hats were one size fits all...?

31. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No

32. FAVORITE FOOD? My mom's spaghetti and meat sauce.

33. HAPPY OR SAD ENDING? Happy

34. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIES? John Tucker Must Die.

35. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Red

36. SUMMER OR WINTER? Fall, actually.

37. HUGS OR KISSES? hugs if its absoulutely necessary

38. FAVORITE DESSERT? Cheesecake

39. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Praise Habit-by David Crowder, Bible

40. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Duke blue devil

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Didn't watch TV last night

42. FAVORITE SOUND? the singing at impact

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles

44. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? Africa

45. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? hmmm...not comin up w/ anything..haha

46. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? June 20, 1989, Huntsville Hospital

the lifeboat theory

2006-10-03T13:28:00.000-05:00

i read something very interesting in Don Millers book "Searching for God Knows What" that i think is worth sharing. he dedicates an entire chapter to an idea of his called "the lifeboat theory" his theory is based off of this question that he was asked in elementary school: if a nurse, a mom, and lawyer, and garbage man, and (someone else-i can't remember who i don't have the book with me right now) were all in a lifeboat and one person had to be thrown off, who would you throw off?
its an interesting question. miller then goes on to say, basically, that without God we are all in a lifeboat, and that by living without Him, in our everyday choices and associations, we are making out our case to the others in the boat of why we shouldn't be thrown out of the boat. and if you think about it, he is right. think about how many people are just walking around trying to prove to everyone else that we are important, or funny, or pretty, or smart, just so they won't be "thrown off the boat", just so others will think we are cool and accecpt us, just so we will "survive" in the lifeboat. think about how often we do that. without God we are all just floating in this lifeboat trying to prove to everyone else that there is something of value within us that makes us important, that makes us worth keeping on the boat. its an interesting concept. and its very true. look around you and you'll see how many people are just trying to survive on the lifeboat.
so whats the cure? how do we get out of the boat? by recieving our worth and importance from God. by recieving our value and purpose from Him. by trying to please Him, not everyone else on the lifeboat. its as simple as that. Without God, we are in the lifeboat. With Him, we are eternally loved and told that we are important by the creator of all the universe. And with a love like that, who needs a lifeboat?

a quick update..

2006-09-07T13:13:00.000-05:00

hello there. its been a while. our computer crashed..(AGAIN!?) and we have not had the internet for about a month. i just thought i'd post real quick about a few of the exciting things that are happening in my life right now:
-mexico: fall break: oct. 5-11-this is going to be a great trip. MA is taking a great group of 30 students and adults. and its my first trip to mexico. we are building a house and doing a VBS. pray for us and our efforts.
-student lead small-group chapel-this is a first for Madison Academy. most of the seniors have paired up and are leading a small group of younger students during chapel every other wednesday. britney cothren and i have a great group of 8th grade girls, and so far it is going great.
-the breakfast club: also a first for MA..some of the senior girls got together and came up with this idea: every other thursday before school the jr. high girls and the senior girls get toghether at school for breakfast and a small group devo. we had our first small group time today, and it was great.
-football season!-MA's football season kicked off last friday night with a home game against brooks. we lost the game, but it was a fun night. before the game there was an AWESOME tail-gate party, complete with a grill and all the "football" food you could ask for. we also had a lot of fun dressing up like idiots to show our school spirit for the game..and for college football: Auburn acutally won their first game against washington state 40-14. the tigers look good this year-kicker John Vaughn completeled 4 out of 5 field goals, one of which was a 52 yarder, and Kenny Irons had a great game with 183 rushing yards and a touchdown.

and thats about all i have time for for now..

stand in the gap

2006-08-03T20:49:00.000-05:00

"I looked for a man among them who would build up the wall and stand before me in the gap on behalf of the land so I would not have to destroy it..." Ezekiel 22:30
this is madison academy's "theme verse" this year as well as our memory verse in bible class this week and having to read it and write it over and over again to memorize it really got me actually thinking about the verse..
God is still looking for people to "Stand the Gap" (MA's theme 2006-2007) for Him. He is calling people to get out of their comfort zones, get out of their cliques, get off their butts and off the couch and get out there and take a stand for Him.
its time we start standing in the gap. its time we start taking this thing called faith seriously and living for God.
so what happens if we don't stand? take a look at what happened in Ezekiel:
"...but I found none. So I will pour out my wrath on them and consume them with my fiery anger, bringing down on their own heads all they have done." Ezekiel 22:30b-31
we can stand, or we can be destroyed. its that simple..

a quick update..

2006-07-23T12:46:00.000-05:00

hello to all.
its been a while, i know but this has been a crazy month, and I don't have the internet at home right now so its kinda hard to update this.
but basically, this month:
i went to Destin, FL with my family for 8 days, then i came back home and LIFT began the next day.
I have been busy with LIFT, church stuff, and babysitting like crazy ever since.
and after 2 exhausting weeks spent with a group of about 60 inner city kids, i am WORN OUT and actaulyl ready for school to start..with the exception of that summer reading..=(
so yeah..
thats about it.

thank you, Don Miller

2006-06-27T23:06:00.000-05:00

here is an excerpt from don millers book "through painted deserts" that I have found myself coming back to time and time again as i strive to grow spirtually in this "story" called my life
(a little background info: this quote comes from the last chapter of the book, he is writing this looking back on a road trip that he and friend took across the US, and this is one of the things he says that he learned while on the road)

"...I've learned, too, that I don't really know very much about anything. I mean, I used to have all these theories about life. I thought I had everybody figured out, even God, but I don't. I think the woods, being away from all the clingy soot of commercialism, have taught me life is enormous, and I am very tiny in the middle of it. I feel, at times, like a droplet of water in a raging water. I know for a fact that as a grain of sand compares in size to the earth itself, I compare in size to the cosmos. I am that insignificant. And yet the chemicals in my brain that make me feel beauty when I look up at the stars, when I watch the sunset, indicate I must be here for a reason. I think I would sum it up this way: life is not a story about me, but it is being told to me, and I can be glad of that. I think that is the why of life and, in fact, the why of this ancient faith I am caught up in: to enjoy God. The stars were created to dazzle us, like a love letter; light itself is just a metaphor, something that exists outside of time, made up of what seems like nothing, infinite in its power, something that can be experienced but not understood, like God. Relationships between men and women indicate something of the nature of God, that He is relational, that He feels love and loss. It's all metaphor, and the story is about us; it's about all of us who God made, and God Himself, just enjoying each other. Months ago I would have told you life was about doing, about jumping through religious hoops, about impressing other people, and my actions would have told you this is done by buying possessions or keeping a good image or going to church. I don't believe that anymore. I think we are supposed to stand in deserts and marvel at how the sun rises. I think we are supposed to sleep in meadows and watch stars dart across space and time. I think we are supposed to love our friends and introduce people to the story, to the peaceful, calming why of life. I think life is spirituality."

and with that, I say,
goodnight.

the latest chapter of my "story"

2006-06-25T21:36:00.000-05:00

well, i just got home from impact 2006 yesterday..and..wow. i am struggling to find any other word to describe impact this year. it was incredible. fantastic. life-changing. shocklingly refreshing...anyway, as most of you know, the impact theme this year was "the story". now i'll admit, upon first hearing this theme, i had my doubts. i actually thought that it wouldn't be any good at all. but as soon as we got there, my mind was completely changed. it was awesome. best theme ever. morning impact, evening impact, the devo's, the classes, the lessons, everything..it was incredible. but what really changed my life at impact was the worship. the worship at impact always has a huge effect on me spirtually, but this year it was like no other. and i am about to tell you the story of why the worship at impact was so significant, and so life-changing for me. here it goes..my "worship" story.
last year at impact, i had my first encounter with true worship. unfortunately, i was not the one experiencing the worship, i was watching someone else experience it.
my sister (sarah) had come for the evening impact session that night, and she was late, resulting in both of us having to sit in the balcony for the session. i was pretty ticked about this, because mayfair ALWAYS sits in the front left section of the auditorium, and rumor has it that the balcony is really loud and everyone talks..anyway i knew ahead of time that there would be alot of distracions up there. and i was right. i was distracted. it was loud and i couldn't focus, and on top of that i was mad at myself for not trying harder to focus..so anyway, this worship time got off to a rough start for me. it was one of those where i stood with my arms crossed the whole time mumbling the words to the songs while looking around at everyone else. thats how it started anyway. but then it happened. the encounter. jon (owen) started leading a new song called "Free" that i didn't know, so i didn't even bother to mumble. i started looking around, and there, out of the corner of my eye, in the vverryy back section of the balcony, was this woman. and she caught my eye. it was because of the way she was worshipping. it was unlike anything i had ever seen. her eyes were closed, her hands were raised, and she was singing with all her might. and there was just something about it, about that scene, about the way she worshipped, and i just kept staring. she was pouring every ounce of her soul into what she was doing, she was giving God all the praise that she could muster up, she was worshipping God, a God that she knew and loved more than anything else in the world. true, heart-felt worship. she had no clue where she was, or that i was staring at her with my jaw dropped, but there she was, right smack-dab in the middle of the last place in alumi auditorium that i would have expected it to happen. and that one encounter with worship changed my life. i had no clue at the time who she was, but she changed my spirtual life, and the way i would view the aspect of worship, forever. but that was the last song, and next thing i knew i was leaving the auditorium and it was over. but it was still in my head. i couldn't get that moment out of my head. the moment when i finnaly understood what i looked like to express the love and praise that you have for God in your heart through worship. and even after the week was over, even after the month was over, i still remembered. because I wanted what she had. I wanted to want to worship God that bad. and i tried. for a good six to eight months i tried. i prayed during worship, I told God that i really wanted to worship Him, i wanted to thank him freely for what He had done, but i never could really worship, because i could never really let go. i was never able to quit worrying about what everyone else would think of me if i worshipped how I felt like worshipping. i was never free of my insecurities. i could never let go. so finnally, after getting really close at winterfest but still not really giving in, I gave up. i went back to mumbling and looking around.
and the next thing i know, impact is back again. and i still remembered, although i'll admit i had forgotten for quite some time, the encounter i had had there the year before. but i still had high exptations about the worship at impact, because i know how good it is and i knew that this might just be the time when i am finnaly able to let go and give God what he deserves. so the first night rolls around and i'm there at impact singing and its awesome. but it still didn't happen. so now its tuesday night (MY BIRTHDAY!) and were in worship and i was getting really into it and then i look at the screen and there it is. THE song. "Free." and it was at that moment, during that song, that I let go. it happened. it wasn't forced, and it wasn't fake. it was actaully the most real and natural thing i have ever done in my entire life. i was expressing my gratitude and love to God for setting me "free" from my sins and insecurities. for setting me free from my worries about what others think, for letting me let go. it was a beautiful moment. and then they turned off the lights and the screen and it was completely and everyone let go. you couldn't see a thing so you didn't have to worry about the people around you. i will never forget that moment. i could literally feel the joy in the angels hearts as they were watching all 1500 of us express ourselves individually, but as one body and in one voice, singing with all our might praises to the God that we were beginning to fall in love with all over again.
and that was the way it was every night of the week. i let go. and it was such a joy to worship God freely, because it created in me a yearning and a hunger for Him that I couldn't escape from. I thristed for God, the whole week all I wanted to do was praise Him and thank Him for creating this new spirit of gratefullness and worship in my heart.
i'm not telling you this "Story" because i want you to think that I am a better person because of how I worship God. i am telling you my story of woship because I want for you to someday have a similar story. I want everyone to worship God, not necessarily like I did, but however they want, however they feel most natural, I want everyone to feel the everyday, all-the-time blessings that come from expressing yourself freeely before the throne of God through worship. that is why i am telling this story. I am so thankful for the woman in the balcony at impact 2005. even though I don't know her, (although I did later learn her name and a little about her stroy) i am grateful for her story, whatever it may be, because her story ended up chaning mine forever.
so keep that in mind as you are living your life, as you are writing your story.
you may end up playing a large role in someone elses..and never even knowing it.
and don't be afraid to let go, and give into God. it'll be the best thing you ever do.

summer 2006

2006-06-18T14:43:00.000-05:00

well, its been a long time since i have entered the world of blogging, but its a sunday afternoon and i'm bored so i figured i'd write a quick post..

i went to africa may 23-june 4. i loved it. it was the best two weeks of my life. i wish i was still there, i wish i could stay all summer..all year. but Africa isn't exactly a fun place to go. the poverty that surrounded us was overwhelming, and it left me feeling completely helpless and ineffective at the end of the day. its not that what we were doing was bad-we were doing all we could. its just that there is poverty everywhere. and you want to reach out and help every single person, you want to give them all clothes and food and a house, but you can't. and thats what is so hard. you can't help them all. so you have to take advantage of every situation, every encounter, and do all you can to change someones life in the short amount of time you have with them. it was an emotionally draining experience. at the end of each day you were dirty, tired, and hungry, but you would never complain because outside on the street there are thousands of African people who have always been, and will always be, dirty, tired, and hungry. on the trip we learned to be content with what we have, and thankful for how much God has blessed our lives. the things that we saw in Africa have left a lasting impact on our hearts and minds and are still, and hopefully will forever be, changing the way we see things here.

tomorrow i leave for impact. i am very excited. Impact is probably the best thing, second to a mission trip, that i do all year. please pray for everyone who is going, that God will be at work breaking hard hearts and bringing more and more people to him every day.

so yeah, thats about it. thats what is going on in my life right now.

last day

2006-05-17T08:27:00.000-05:00

i can't believe i am FINNALY!! saying this: today is my last day of being a junior!! it is UNbelieveable how fast this year has gone. it seems like just yesterday we were getting our books and doing summer reading and complaining about all of our new teachers..and now its done! we're seniors. graduation is in like 4 days and then its our turn. welcome to the class of 2007.
but this has been a great year, and i am actually kinda sad that its over. it has been a very low-key, laid back year for me and my friends-there has been zero drama or crap like that..we have all gotten along and just had fun. for me this has been the best year yet..and i can only imagine what lies ahead!

my top five (i don't have time to do seven)

2006-05-15T08:40:00.000-05:00

heres the current list of my favorite things

1. MY SISTER! who else would drive the worlds most boring 3 hour drive to only spend like 3 hours helping her little sister get ready for her first prom and then turn around and drive it again!? and she came home this weekend for "mothers day" but i think it was really just to bring me my new iPod..

2. Sierra Mist-has taken over for sun drop. it is ADDICTING. its so refreshing.i'm up to about 2 or 3 a day now.

3. 8 DAYS TILL AFRICA-i cannot believe i'm saying that. only 8 days..please be praying for our trip-we still have a lot of things to do before we go!

4. The Fray-this band is awesome. they have a sound similar to gavin degraw's acoustic piano sound and fall out boys hard rocking and lyrics. they are the group that sings "Over my Head". they're great-check out their new cd "How to save a life"

5. SUMMER-is about to arrive..what else can i say. that is awesome ..

2006-05-11T08:37:00.000-05:00

GREAT NEW SONG
possibly my current favorite
check it out

Over My Head
By: The Fray

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows
I'm in Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows
I'm in Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

jr/sr

2006-04-30T13:43:00.000-05:00

well..i can't believe i am saying this, but jr/sr was a blast and i am quite sad about it being over. many fun memories were made. so thanks to everyone who made me go, i am glad i did.
a brief run-down of friday: nail appointment, home, hair appointment, make-up appointment, home to get ready and take pictures, carrabas with the group, more picutres, off to the ledges, then to the after party till about 1:0o, then finnaly to stata's for the night..i think i feel asleep around 4AM..
so yeah..thats it.
the story of my first prom..

my top seven, volume II

2006-04-27T21:59:00.000-05:00

well, its been a long, tiring, stressful, week, and i am glad to say that i only have one more major event to get through and then i'm FREE..but in the mean time i just thought i'd post another list of my current favorite things/people/events/objects/products, etc.

1. the ability to EXEMPT exams (thank you, Madison Academy)-i never even knew what this word meant until about the 9th grade..and even then it never meant anything to me until this year..but I don't know what I'd do if we had to take all our exams. hopefully, i won't have to take any (keep your fingers crossed), but there is a chance i'll have to take one..bleh..but at least its only one, instead of like 8..sorry grissom (and anyone else at pretty much any other school) people!

2. GHANA! we leave for Ghana, Africa in 26 days! please be praying about this trip..

3. jr/sr-is tomorrow! i am excited about it, but slightly stressed. i have like 7 appointments meaning that i am going to be running around like a crazy woman, i'm sure..it will be crazy but thats what makes proms and things like this a blast!

4. signing up for classes, picking out lockers, and doing other stuff at school for my SENIOR YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL!!!!-i cannot believe that i am almost a senior! today we picked out lockers..and I realized that it would be the last time I'd ever do that..slightly sad..but only for a second until i realized that i will finnaly be a senior! woo-hhooooo!

5. spanish class-for some reason, i have been getting EXTREMELY hyper every day during spanish class, and so has maegan and most of the other people who sit around me, and together we have been having some crazy fun times in that class..its crazy because i used to hate spanish but now i like LOVE it-and that class just makes my whole day better and more fun..

6. the t.v. show "Five Takes: Pacific Rim"-call me a nerd, but my favorite channel is the travel-channel..and I happened to discover this show on monday night-it's great. basically, its just 5 random college-aged kids who are traveling around the pacific rim and living on $50.00 a day-its kinda like a clean version of the real-world-(minus the gays and sex and crazy drinking, etc.)-in the fact that they are strangers, or were before this show, and they are having to live together..but they are traveling, instead of living in one house. anyway I love it because I'd like to backpack across the world, and thats pretty much what they are doing..

7. sun drop (the soda)-you may be thinking, sun drop? i thought you liked mtn. dew? how did that make it on the list? here's how: sun drop is just as good as mountain-dew, and has just as much caffiene BUT is only 49 cents! i discovered this wonderful beverage at the gas station last and have just about had one every day since..

and thats about it for now..
i've got a crazy day ahead of me, and i'm off to bed!

africa

2006-04-23T16:37:00.000-05:00

well, its been about a month since i got back from ecuador, and today is exactly a month from the day we leave for africa. and after a full day of africa-related activities, i can say that I am in full "Africa-mode" right now. not that I don't still wish I was in Ecuador, but for the sake of myself and our team, its time that I, and that all of us who are going, get focused on whats ahead of us. and we have got a LOT of work to do..so please be in prayer for our team, and this trip-that we will be able to pull everything together in time and that we will be energized and focused on our mission there and on sharing the message of Christ with whoever we encounter in Africa.
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ecuador

2006-04-19T21:27:00.000-05:00

well..here it is exactly a month from the day that i left for ecuador and I realize that I haven't posted a thing about it..which is sad, because it was probably the most meaningful week of my life..so far.
i don't know where to begin though, because you know how it is, when you have been somewhere and it was great and you want to tell everyone about it and make them all go..but then you realize that they won't understand because reality is standing in the way..the reality is, that they didnt' go and they can't see the places or the people's faces that you see in your head when you talk about it (and even when you don't talk about it) so as hard as they may try or as interested as they may be, its different for them. anyway what i'm saying is, i have been to ecuador and you haven't so its hard for me to tell you what its like because of..reality. but i'll try to give you a quick run-down of the week..
for those of you that don't already know, i didn't plan on going to ecuador. i had no intention of going on this trip at all..but God stepped in and things worked out and the money came and there i was on march 19th in the airport hugging my parents goodbye with my passport in hand..having no clue really where i was going or what i would be doing or even why i was going..but i'm glad i went. i'm really, really, glad I went.
and so i arrived..or we arrived, all 15 of us..the 15 most random people ever-in Quito, Ecuador about 9 hours later..tired and cranky..only to ride in 2 vans (that barely run to begin with) up the side of a mountain, on a dirt road, straight into a civil riot which consisted of a wall of fire, running across the enitre road and needless to say, we could not pass through fire or continue to travel to the orphanage by our planned route..and so we had to ride for about 2 more hours onto roads that somehow, thankfully lead to where we were going, which was our home for the week: camp bellevue (the first two pictures on the right are of cabins at the camp) i don't remember anything else from that night besides collapsing in my clothes on what was quite possibly the most uncomfortable bed i had ever laid on..
and the next thing i knew i wanted to murder debbie faught who was overly-excited about singing "rise and shine and give God the glory" to wake up the four of us girls, who had somehow fallen into a coma-like state of rest on a one-inch think matress.. (refer to the picture to the right containing the ugliest sheets known to man).
and thats how the week began. from that point on its hard to distinguish the days we spent at the camp apart from one another..because we basically did the same thing every day: woke up, ate breakfast (which was WONDERFUL, as was all the food at the camp) (after breakfast, and every other meal, i was priveleged to partake in an insightful 30 minutes with nicky faught and glen laird while washing dishes),
came back to the cabin to get our work clothes on: (see picture to the right, below-- you must remember that they are work clothes, not for looks, strictly for working..)
and then loaded up the vans and rode about a half a mile to the hacienda, (which is on the same property as the camp..it makes a nice walk actually...or run..for some reason me and whitney decided we would run it..which was totally stupid and I laid on the ground when we got done trying to find some air to breathe for the next hour) and then we worked. and working was not fun..i'll just be honest. it entailed hauling wheel-barrows full of bricks and dirt up and back down a mountain..which would be a hard task here in the states, but we were on top of a mountain at 9800 feet..and it is extremely hard to breathe there..making our tasks seem much harder..but we made it. (the picture on the left: the faughts and mr. laird working on the trail..)
so we would work on the trail until about noon then we would go back to camp and eat. after lunch we had about an hour or so of free time which i usually spent taking a nap or cleaning up (it was very muddy) although some times, depending on how long we had, we would play cards or games in the mess hall. then it was back to work until about four, when we quit working and went to a devo with the kids from the orphanage (the Hacienda of Hope-picture on the left is the hacienda). we would listen to their devo (it was in spanish..) and then do a skit for them (also in spanish) and sing with them (sometimes in english, mostly in spanish). the devos were a special time, because we didn't get to spend much time with the kids, and although i could barely understand a word that was said, just being there with them all and knowing that we were all praising the same God, regardeless of what language we were speaking, meant alot. after the devos we would load up, head back to camp, clean up, and eat. i'm not really sure what we did after that..i think we probably laid around or took a nap, but the last thing we did every night was have a group devo, in english!
and that was pretty much life at camp. there were a couple more things..one day we took a prayer walk around the hacienda property, which was very special, to hear the children pray (see picture at right)..at nights sometimes we watched LOST: season one on Jerrys laptop (the missionary)...and one night there was a lightning storm. that night, watching that storm, is probably my favorite memory. never before in my life have I seen the power of God on display like it was that night..i'll never forget that night for as long as i live. For the first time in my life I was so in awe of God that I could not pray..I could not speak, I could not really move at all. I was dumb-founded. and from that point on for the rest of the trip I found it hard to pray..not in a bad way, in a good way..it was hard because for the first time I realized the magnitude of who I was talking to..and I realized that nothing I could say would be good enough to thank Him..so I would just sit and "be still and know."
we left camp on friday morning and headed to quito. this part of the trip is also a blur..it all happened so fast..but basically we went to some tourist sights in the city, got settled in our new hotel, shopped some, and then ate..and the next day we went to "la mitad del mundial" (the middle of the world, the equator monument) (pictures on right, on the bottom one, i am standing on both hemispheres of the world AT THE SAME TIME!)..while we were there we shopped and took picutres and then we left and shopped some more and ate..we went to a beautiful old chuch called a "basicilla" where we were able to climb to the tallest tower and take in the most spectacular view of the city (pictures on left)..like i said I can't really remember everything or what day we did what..but I do remember the restaraunt we ate at that night had the best pineapple juice you'll ever have..and i got way too many refills..my bill must have been insane (thanks Mr. Burton!)..after that we went back to the hotel and the next thing I knew, my eyes opened and saw the numbers 4:00AM on the alarm clock.. we got ready and packed, headed downstairs for a last breakfast, loaded up and headed to the airport. and in the airport it hit me, that the trip was over. that we were leaving the country. I have never wanted to stay anywhere as badly as I wanted to stay in Ecuador. and I got sad, really sad. I just didn't want to leave. I considered losing my passport or something..anything..just to stay there..but I left, we all left..and even though we had some very fun times in the houston airport that day (see pictures below, right-its ROOT beer, i promise) we finnaly, much to my dismay, arrived back here at about 9:00 sunday night. i was greeted by a small group of friends (thanks, guys) and my family..but as much as i hate to say this..I did not want to be home. I did not want to be in Huntsville, AL..I did not want to be in the United States at all..I did not want to be anywhere but back in Ecuador. and that was how it was for the next three to four days. I was in culture shock from the minute that I walked into school monday morning until about friday or saturday..I just couldn't get used to the way things are here and I just didn't want to be here. But I got over it, because I am here and there is nothing I can do about it..but I still think about it all the time and I can see the places we went and the faces of the people in Ecuador..I can still see the mountains and the lightning storm in the sky..a part of me is still there. And will be, until next year when I can go back..

thought for the week

2006-04-10T08:34:00.000-05:00

thought for the week:

my top seven

2006-03-09T19:56:00.000-06:00

here are the top seven (why seven? why not?) things, products, people, events, etc. that i am a big fan of right now..(in no particular order)

1. Gatorade Cool Blue-i have at least two bottles of a day..on game days about 5 or 6. no other sports drink can compare..powerade tastes like water now..

2. Praise Habit by David Crowder-i read this book like a year ago and didn't really get anything out of it because i was reading it for the sake of haing read it..but now, i am reading it and it really is an amazing book.

3. JJ Redick-you just have to love JJ Redick..unless of course you are a fan of the team playing Duke..or one of the guys whose long time records he has broken this year..

4. World Cup 2006: Germany-its getting closer to world cup time again..and what better place for the world cup than Germany..? There are 91 days 20 hours 43 minutes and 32 seconds according to the countdown at fifaworldcup.yahoo.com..

5. Seinfeld-I never thought I'd say this..but lately I really enjoy watching this show. I mean..how can you not like the show about nothing?

6. ECUADOR!-I leave for ecuador in 10 days..and I am really excited! I'm also nervous though..I can't speak spanish near as well as I should be able to after two years of spanish class and I'm don't really know the people who I am going with..but I know it'll all work out and we'll have a blast.

7. Dispatch (Gut the Van Live)-this CD is amazing. I have recently realized how awesome the whole cd is..at first i only listened to 3 songs but the entire CD is great..I listen to it every day..as a matter of fact, i listenened to the same one song from this CD the entire way to Wallace State a few weeks ago on the way to the MA basketball game..

thats it for now kids..
adios.

cars.com

2006-02-24T08:43:00.000-06:00

on wednesday, i visited cars.com for the first time in my life.
i was seriously considering selling my 2001 Nisian Altima and buying 1994 Jeep Cherokee because I am going to Ecuador in less than a month, and on wednesday I had nothing of the $1200 that is due by March 1.
that afternoon i recieved two checks combining for $185.
but $185? thats great, but i'm still pretty worried.
thursday morning i'm back at cars.com.
thursday afternoon i recieved $600 for the trip. in one check.
that is half of the money i owe.
but only half, and there is not only an additional $600 to pay, but there is also $1400 for my trip to Africa.
but i didn't go to cars.com friday morning..instead i prayed. and prayed.
friday afternoon i recieved a check for $500. as well as another check for $50.
in three days i went from having $0.00 to $1335.00.
in three days my entire trip was paid for.
in three days God taught me what an idiot I am for not trusting him all along..
"I asked God to fill my cup, but He gave me a pitcher instead." -A.J.
"Now to Him who is able to do IMMEASURABLY MORE than all we ask or IMAGINE.." -Eph. 3:20

romans 12

2006-02-09T08:37:00.000-06:00

So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life - and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.
Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.
Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.
I'm speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.
In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around.
The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't. If you preach, just preach God's Message, nothing else;
if you help, just help, don't take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching;
if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don't get bossy; if you're put in charge, don't manipulate; if you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face.
Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good.
Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.
Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder.
Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.
Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath.
Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy; share tears when they're down.
Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody.
Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone.
If you've got it in you, get along with everybody.
Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."
Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he's thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness.
Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good.

-Romans 12

one pure and holy passion

2006-02-02T19:28:00.000-06:00

give me one pure and holy passion
give me one magnificent obsession
give me one glorious ambition for my life
to know and follow hard after You

oh, to know and follow hard after You
to grow as Your disciple in Your truth
this world is empty, pale, and poor
compared to knowing You, my Lord
so lead me on
and i will run after you.

the beauty of silence

2006-01-22T15:12:00.002-06:00

there is beauty in silence. there is something found in a forest 100 miles away from no where that you cannot find anywhere else. you cannot buy this feeling, this shockingly calming sense of peace you feel when you turn off your car and ipod and computer and tv and cell phone. You cannot experience it from your couch while watching TV. you cannot feel it while listening to your ipod and checking your email. it's real. its authentic. it is beautifully simple.
we need more simplicity. we need more silence. we need to turn off everything and listen to the birds chirp and hear the wind rush through the trees and watch a creek rushing over rocks and churning down its path over and over again. we need to get away from it all, every once in a while, and experience life as it was meant to be lived: peaceful and beautiful and calm and silent. because it is in moments like these, when the world all around us becomes real to us, when we see the trees and sky and mountains and flowers, that God becomes real to us. In these moments, we realize that He is all around us..that He made this earth for us..to dazzle us, to amaze us, to remind us of Him. and thats exactly what we need: to be reminded of Him. to think of Him often, to see Him all around us, to know that He made all this for us. We need to get out there and enjoy it. we need to find the beauty in silence.

I am not a minimalist.

2006-01-07T15:14:00.000-06:00

I am not a minimalist.
I have too much. I do not know what it is like to live with very little. I have more than i need, and yet I still want more. I am the kind of person who will always leave a store with less money in my pocket than i had when i entered the store. I believe that money, if left in any one location for an extended period of time, will self-destruct. So I spend the money I have to prevent this from happening. I am not, however, a "big-spender". I am not rich, and I do not ever buy expensive or luxurious things. I guess you could say that I am a "small-spender". If I have five dollars in my pocket, and I am out running errands, I will somehow convince myself to stop and buy a drink or a pack of gum at a gas station. Its not that I am thirsty or that i have bad breath, its that I, for some reason, feel the need to purchase something. Money eats a hole in my pocket. You should probably know though, before you decide that I am a spoiled brat and the most selfish person on the planet, that I am not proud of being this way. I hate it. If it were practical, I would sell or give away all the junk I have. I like the thought of a simple life, where you don't have thousands of things and clothes to clutter your living space. I underpack on trips because it makes me feel like I am living on very little. Sure, I have a house and a bedroom back home full of junk that is mine, but at the time, I have only a backpack or a suitcase, and that is all. I like knowing that. I like to watch peoples faces when they see that I only have a backpack of my things and they have 2 suitcases. Its stupid, I know, but I'm just being honest. Now, don't get me wrong, I am glad to be blessed in the way that I am, but I get a guilty feeling when I look around my house and see all the stuff I have, knowing that some people out there have nothing.
One of these days, I'm gonna go on a road trip. Me and a friend are going to pack everything we want to take in a backpack and set out across the country. I just finished reading "Through Painted Deserts" by Don Miller. Its the story of how he and a friend did just that: set out across the country in a volswagen van. Everything they had was in that van. They lived in it for months. They would drive all day and into the night and then, when they got tired, they would pull over into a rest-stop or onto the side of the road and sleep. Sometimes they even slept outside. They were minimalists. I want to be like that. I want to do that. I believe that less is more. Don Miller, after taking that trip, believes it too. At the end of his book, he writes, "A month ago i would have told you life was about doing, about jumping through religious hoops, about impressing other people, and my actions would have told you this is done by buying possessions or keeping a good image or going to church. I don't believe that anymore. I think we are supposed to stand in deserts and marvel at how the sun rises. I think we are supposed to sleep in meadows and watch stars dart across space and time. I think we are supposed to love our friends, and introduce people to the story, to the peaceful, calming why of life. I think life is spirtuality."
I want to discover these truths for myself. I want to sleep in an open field and look at the stars. I want to watch the sun rise atop a mountain. I want to do all this without all my stuff. Without the junk that clutters my life and consumes my thoughts. I want to find that I can be complete and happy without excess posessions. I want to find contentment in the beauty of this world God has made for me to enjoy.
And one of these days, I hope to do all these things. But until then, I am not a minimalist. Not yet, anyway..

things to do before I die

2006-01-03T20:11:00.000-06:00

on new years ever, grace miller inspired me to make a "list of things to do before i die"
here it is.

-fall in love
-baptize someone
-be a missionary
-collect something
-start a church
-start an orphanage
-be a mentor
-backpack across europe
-hike to the bottom of the grand canyon and back
-take a road trip across the entire us
-hike the entire appalachian trail
-live with very little
-live with very much
-write a book
-have children
-save someone's life
-live in africa